My Mental Choices Are Completely Interfering with My School Romantic Comedy

Volume 1 Chapter 3.6:

“…Haa.”

I stopped just before reaching my front door, letting out a sigh. It felt like I’d been doing nothing but sighing these past few days.

After school, I tried to find Yawakaze to apologize, but her ever-watchful Shinei-tai(Royal Guards) blocked my way before I could even get close. Thanks to my two consecutive acts of accidental sexual harassment, it seemed I had officially been marked as a threat.

Yuuouji, meanwhile, had left in high spirits, claiming she’d come up with a secret plan by tomorrow. But honestly, I wasn’t holding my breath. As far as bright spots in my situation went, there were basically none.

Then again… what kind of “bright spot” would even exist when the goal was getting a peek at someone’s underwear?

“Ah, welcome home, Kanade-san!”

Opening the door in my low-energy state, I was immediately greeted by Chocolat, who ran up to me with an excited tete-te sound.

“Oh? You look kinda down?”

“Yeah… my mission’s looking more and more hopeless.”

At that, Chocolat gave me an oddly smug grin.

“Fufufu… worry not, Kanade-san. I have great news for you! I found something amazing!”

She handed me a book. A very bad feeling crept up my spine. Don’t tell me…

“Ten Ways to Get a Girl’s Panties – Become the Ultimate Pervert King!”

“For some reason a much even worse version came!?”

What do you mean by “get”?! And that subtitle—where the hell is your shame?!

Not that I was expecting anything remotely useful, but…

“I worked really hard to find this for you!”

Chocolat’s expectant “praise me!” aura and the way her fluffy tail wagged happily made it impossible to just shove the book back at her.

“Fine, I’ll take a look, at least.”

“Yay!”

With Chocolat beaming beside me, I moved to the living room, plopped onto the sofa, and cracked open the book.

As expected, it was needlessly long, but there was a summary page that listed the key points. I focused on just that.

① Steal them.

…You’re coming out swinging, huh?!

(Explanation: This is a last resort.)

Then why the hell is it first on the list?! Also, don’t encourage crime!!

② Beg for them while crying.

Wait, what? So, you just… sob and plead for a pair of panties? The mental image alone is unbearable.

(Example: “Ugh… sniff… gimme… gimme your panties… sniff… what? No?… hic… I won’t accept no… sniff… just g-give them to meee…”)

Where is this person’s dignity?!

(Note: Your sincere tears are sure to move her heart.)

Even if the world turned upside down, that would NEVER happen!

③ Say, “I forgot my underwear at home, can you lend me a pair?”

Why are you saying it like you’re borrowing a gym uniform?!

(Explanation: Flash a bright, confident smile while asking. The key is to sound as casual as possible.)

That would only make it creepier!

(Note: If the girl happens to be wearing white panties at the time, she may think, “Oh my, what a delightful coincidence! I have no choice but to lend them to you,” leading to success.)

What kind of twisted logic is that?!

④ Utilize a Syllogism

Syllogism… oh, I think I’ve read about that before.

Something like:

“All humans eventually die.”

“I am human.”

“Therefore, I will eventually die.”

It’s a method of reasoning that derives a conclusion from a major premise and a minor premise.

(Explanation: Example Syllogism)

“All men love women’s panties.”

“I am a man, and you are a woman.”

“Therefore, you must give me your panties.”

THERE IS NO LOGIC IN THAT AT ALL!!

⑤ The Three-Stage Evolution of Panty Acquisition

Three-stage evolution? Never heard of that before…

(Explanation: Skirt flip → Panty pull-down → Panty acquisition)

THAT’S JUST A STEP-BY-STEP GUIDE TO A CRIME!!

(Note: I randomly thought of the phrase ‘Yokai Panty Collector’ and decided to write it down.)

KEEP THAT NONSENSE IN YOUR HEAD!!

⑥ Buy them from a specialty store

I mean… sure, that’s probably the most straightforward method, but… it just feels wrong in a completely different way…

(Explanation: You can’t buy happiness with money, but you can buy used panties.)

COULD YOU NOT WORD IT SO CREEPILY?!

(Note: But if obtaining used panties makes someone happy… then what is happiness, really?)

HOW THE HELL SHOULD I KNOW?!

⑦ Raise your fist and shout, “Gyaru no panty okureee!” (T/N: Please give me a gal’s panties! A gal is basically a trendy girl.)

Oh… that one. The thing Oolong did in the early days.

(Explanation: If Shenron isn’t around, you’re just some weirdo yelling in public.)

SO YOU’RE JUST A WEIRDO, THEN!!

⑧ “It’s not panties, so it’s not embarrassing!”

You just wanted to say that, didn’t you?!

(Explanation: Sorry, I just really wanted to say it.)

CALLED IT!!

⑨ Join the Panty Cult

…We’ve officially reached peak nonsense. What the hell even is that…?

(Explanation: At Panty Cult gatherings, only a single pair of underwear is permitted as attire.)

…If that actually existed, it’d be paradise.

(Note: However, membership is limited to men only.)

UH, NO THANKS!!

⑩ Steal them

YOU CAME FULL CIRCLE!!

(Explanation: I just… I really couldn’t think of a tenth one.)

THEN DON’T PUBLISH THE DAMN BOOK!!

(Note: But don’t worry! If you’ve read this far, you’re surely capable of figuring out a way to get a girl’s panties yourself!)

YOU THINK OF A PROPER ONE FIRST!

“Ganba!” (T/N: Good luck!)

SHUT UP!!

“This is… this is beyond awful.”

I had prepared myself to some extent, but this was even more ridiculous than I had anticipated.

“Eh? Is it really that bad? This firsthand account of the Panty Cult is incredibly entertaining!”

“No… that’s just because it appeals to your rotten personal tastes.”

“By the way, ninety percent of this book is dedicated to descriptions of the Panty Cult.”

“That’s straight-up false advertising!!”

There was no need to confirm it—this was undoubtedly the handiwork of UOG Publishing. Not that the guy himself had written it, but after seeing something like this, my already dwindling expectations for Yuuouji had plummeted even further.

“Here you go, Kanade-san.”

For some reason, Chocolat suddenly pushed her head forward… Was she expecting me to pet her?

“Ehehe.”

Well, I went ahead and did it. Chocolat’s tail fluffed up as she beamed with a satisfied grin. (T/N: Tail as in her hair.)

I mean, she definitely bought this book for my sake, and if this is all it takes to make her happy, then fine, whatever.

To be honest, I can’t say she doesn’t look a little cute like this.

Not that I mean it in that way—strictly as a pet, of course.

──Or at least, that’s what I was telling myself until—

“Wait, what are you doing?”

Chocolat was now standing with her hands on her hips, dramatically arching her back.

“Go on, praise me to your heart’s content!”

I just petted you, though.

“What’s wrong? No need to hold back. Shower me with overflowing words of admiration! Ah… could it be? Are you so moved by my great and noble achievements that you’re at a loss for words? Fufun, if that’s the case, I wouldn’t mind a more… direct reward, you know. Oh, speaking of which, I was thinking of having some premium wagyu for dinner—”

“Alright, that’s enough out of you.”

I flicked her forehead lightly.

“Auu… Kanade-san, you’re so mean…”

Her tail drooped, looking utterly deflated.

Seriously, how does that thing even work?

“Oh, by the way, Kanade-san, earlier you mentioned that something seemed difficult to accomplish. Did you ever get to talk with Yawakaze-san?”

Her sulking didn’t last even ten seconds. With a cheerful smile, she changed the subject as if nothing had happened.

That wasn’t just a quick recovery—that was practically a full system reboot.

“Well, I did manage to talk to her, but…”

Not wanting to go back to the whole “praise me” nonsense, I recounted today’s events to Chocolat.

“I see… for a Shin’ei Squad member to target Kanade-san’s butt, they must have some real potential.”

Chocolat, of course, latched onto the least relevant part of the story.

Though honestly, I had no one to blame but myself for even mentioning that detail.

“I mean, Yawakaze is just too pure… It makes me feel guilty even thinking about dragging her into something as stupid as peeking at her panties.”

“Hmm, I see, I see. Well then, this is perfect! To get used to that guilty feeling, you can practice on me first!”

“…Hah? Why?”

I had no idea what was “perfect” about this situation.

“Kanade-san, I don’t think you’ll find a being as pure as me anywhere else. So go ahead, talk to me, do whatever you like—no need to hold back!”

Oh, I get it now.

This dog… has absolutely no self-awareness.

At this point, I should probably just lay it out for her.

“Chocolat, let me teach you something important. ‘Pure’ and ‘just plain dumb’ might seem similar, but in reality, the gap between them is as vast as heaven and earth.”

“Oh? So this Yawakaze-san person is actually an idiot?”

“No, you are!!”

“Eh? …Ehh??”

“How do you not get it?!”

As I raised my voice in exasperation, Chocolat clapped her hands together, as if she’d just had a revelation.

“Ah, I see now. Kanade-san, your eyes must be rotten.”

“The only thing rotten here is your damn brain!!”