My Mental Choices Are Completely Interfering with My School Romantic Comedy

Volume 1 Chapter 3.4:

“Ugh… damn it.”

Even by lunchtime, the pain in my body hadn’t faded.

Lying face down on my desk, I replayed this morning’s disaster in my mind.

—Right after I blurted out “Never mind that, can you show me your panties?” to Yawakaze, a guy with an unnecessarily massive build patted me on the shoulder.

I didn’t recognize him, but judging by the color of his tie, he was a third-year. Just as I thought, Who the hell is this? he grabbed my arm with ridiculous force.

By the time I came to my senses, I had been dragged into some dimly lit, cramped space.

Waiting for me there were several male students, radiating an intimidating, almost bloodthirsty aura.

Without a single word of explanation—

They proceeded to beat the crap out of me.

It was probably them. The so-called Yawakaze Konagi Fan Club.

I’d heard rumors about them before. Apparently, Yawakaze’s admirers had formed an underground pact to prevent anyone from getting ahead. They even monitored each other to keep things in check.

I had laughed it off at the time—What kind of idiot treats a high school girl like a celebrity?—but turns out they were real.

That said, a fan club is just a group of students acting on their own. It’s not like they have any actual authority.

Normally, they wouldn’t have the right to stop me from simply talking to Yawakaze—unless I said something insanely inappropriate.

And yet—

【Choose:】

① “Never mind that, can you show me your panties?”

② Take off my own underwear and offer a trade (like a soccer jersey swap).

…There was no universe where I could have chosen the second option.

The Absolute Choice always presents me with one terrible option, and another that’s even worse.

Still, I really screwed up with Yawakaze.

How did she feel, hearing something like that from a near stranger?

“Amacchi, Amacchi~!”

Suddenly, someone poked me on the shoulder from behind, cutting off my thoughts.

“Yuuouji, huh? Look, I’m kind of busy thinking right now. Just leave me alone.”

I had no time to deal with Yuuouji’s nonsense.

My priority was to apologize to Yawakaze for asking her to show me her panties—and then, somehow, still get her to show me her panties.

…Wait. That’s a paradox.

“Panties? Something up with panties?”

“!? H-how do you know that!?”

The timing was so uncanny, my voice cracked in panic.

“Well, ‘cause Amacchi kept whispering ‘panties, panties’ during class.”

…Shit. My thoughts were leaking out.

“I mean, you were mumbling it over and over. You got some deep panty-related concerns or what?”

This was bad. The last person I wanted taking an interest in this had just latched on.

“…It’s nothing. Not a big deal.”

“Mufufu! No need to be embarrassed~! The Walking Panty Encyclopedia is here to answer all your questions!”

No, you should be way more embarrassed about that title.

And for the love of god, can she stop yelling panties at full volume!? Does she not feel any shame at all!?

Well, this was no different from how little kids get excited over words like poop or wiener—except this particular little kid was a second-year high school student…

Then again, this was Yuuouji. Nothing surprising there.

“So basically, Amacchi, you just wanna see a girl’s panties, right?”

“Pfft! H-how do you know that!?”

I choked on my own spit at the unexpected ambush.

“Well, see, Amacchi, you kinda already said everything out loud. I just pretended I only heard part of it for fun.”

Wha—!?

So she was sitting behind me the whole time… and I was muttering about Yawakaze, too!? How unconscious was I!?

But it was too late to take anything back. The only option now was to make sure she kept her mouth shut.

“Yuuouji, I’m begging you. Just—don’t tell her. Ever.”

I mean, I already straight-up asked Yawakaze to show me her panties, but if she found out I was muttering about it in class, there’d be no fixing our relationship, no matter how much I apologized.

“Roger that, roger that! Buuut, in exchange, tell me this—why do you wanna see her panties?”

“…Hell if I know. I barely even know her—”

“Oh?”

Yuuouji’s lips curled into a devious grin.

“Ohh-ho-ho~ So what you’re saying is, you wanna see the panties of that Yawakaze Konagi, one of the school’s top-ranked beauties?”

Wait, hold on. If she already knew, then why the weird reaction—

…No way.

“Oh my~! How strange! I don’t remember you ever saying whose panties you wanted to see… yet this Onii-chan just spilled the beans all on his own! How interesting~!”

I’d been played.

Completely.

What a downright sneaky trick.

And that spot-on Edogawa Conan impression was seriously pissing me off.

“Anyway, it’s already out in the open, so spill the details~!”

“No way. I refuse to talk to someone who tricks people into confessing.”

“Mufufu~! You sure about that? Y’know, me and Konagi-tan are besties~! It’d be super easy for me to tell her all sorts of things about you—true or not~!”

Guh…

Now that I thought about it, Yuuouji and Yawakaze were friends. That fact had suddenly become extremely dangerous.

“C’mon, c’mon, you’ll feel way better if you just spill it all~!”

Trying to shake off a curiosity-possessed Yuuouji was next to impossible.

At this point, it was probably better to just tell her part of the truth and make her promise to keep quiet.

Of course, there was no way I could mention the mission. Some details had to be fudged, but at the very least, I needed to make sure she didn’t think I was just some pervert.

I put on my most serious face.

“Yuuouji. The truth is… due to certain circumstances, I must see Yawakaze’s panties before Saturday.”

“Ooooh~! Saying that with a straight face? Amacchi, you are something else!”

You’re the one who made me say it!

“But trust me. My reasons are not perverted in any way.”

Even if it was Yuuouji, I couldn’t let her think I was some panty-crazed freak.

“Hmmm… so you do wanna see Konagi-tan’s panties, but your desire isn’t coming from a place of lust?”

I nodded firmly.

Seeing her panties was merely a means to an end—escaping from the Absolute Choice. Nothing more.

“Ohh, so you wish to behold panties in a purely spiritual sense. Profound… truly profound, Amacchi. You’ve reached the realm of philosophy!”

No, this wasn’t philosophy! Aristotle and the others would be rolling in their graves!

“Oh right, wasn’t there some philosopher called ‘The Father of Bread Studies’ or something?”

“Apologize to Aristotle right now!”

“But you know, you know? Not just philosophy, but throughout history, all over the world, there are actually a surprising number of famous sayings about panties!”

Out of nowhere, Yuuouji derails the conversation into complete nonsense.

“Yeah, no, I can’t think of a single one.”

“All roads lead to panties, for example.” (T/N: Originally it’s ‘all roads lead to Rome’.)

“No, they don’t! Rome isn’t a capital of underwear!”

“Boy, embrace panties… no, wait, I mean, wear panties.”

“That’s not where you messed up!”

“Bura Tass, you’re an underwear too?”

“It’s Brutus, damn it!”

“This one is a cat. This one has yet to wear panties.”

“That’s completely unnecessary!”

“You said this scent was nice, so July 6th is now Panty Memorial Day.”

“In what situation?!”

“Thou shalt not create panties on top of panties.”

“What are you even trying to say?!”

“I am capable of viewing myself objectively. You and I wear different panties!”

“Of course we do!”

Guh… this is bad. I’ve completely fallen into Yuuouji’s pace.

“But, but—why Konagi-tan? You like her?”

I’m the one who wants to ask that question, honestly.

“No, I don’t have any romantic feelings.”

I mean, after actually talking to her, I realized she’s ridiculously cute. If you asked me whether I like or dislike her, the answer would definitely be the former.

But it’s more like the fondness you have for an idol on TV. It’s not the kind of “like” Yuuouji is talking about.

“So basically, Amacchi, you wanna see the panties of a girl you don’t even like?”

“Well… I guess that’s what it amounts to.”

“You wanna strip off the panties of a girl you don’t like and sniff, sniff them?”

“Who the hell said I wanted to go that far?!”

“You wanna strip off a girl’s panties, sniff-sniff them, then gyoi-gyoi, ogen-ogen, and nugyan-nugyan?”

“Speak proper Japanese!”

Just as I shouted at the top of my lungs, a voice called out from behind me.

“Um… Amakusa-kun, I hate to interrupt your fun, but…”

I turned around to find the class rep (a beautiful girl with glasses) giving me a hesitant look. No, I’m not having fun. Dealing with this idiot is exhausting. Seriously.

That aside, our ever-smiling, universally kind class rep… why does she have a mix of fear and disgust on her face?

She must’ve overheard my conversation with Yuuouji. But surely she wouldn’t take that nonsense seriously and actually believe I’d gyoi-gyoi, right? …She totally believes it, doesn’t she?

“You have a visitor, Amakusa-kun.”

Following the direction of her gaze, I looked over.

“A visitor? Who could—huh?!”

Standing in the hallway was none other than Yawakaze Konagi herself.

“Whoa, isn’t that Yawakaze?”

“Damn, still as stunning as ever.”

“Why is she here… for Amakusa?”

The class quickly caught on to her presence, and the murmurs gradually spread.

“Ah, Panty-chan Konagi-tan is here.”

“Stop calling her that!”

“Ah, Konagi-tan, the girl Amacchi tried to peek at, is here.”

“THAT’S EVEN WORSE!”

I barely managed to hold Yuuouji back and hurried out into the hallway, shutting the door behind me.

“Yawakaze, what brings you here?”

I thought maybe she came to yell at me for the pervy comment earlier, but… she doesn’t seem mad. And she doesn’t seem like the type to do that anyway.

As I was trying to figure it out, Yawakaze spoke first.

“Um, I thought… maybe this belongs to you, Amakusa-kun?”

She held out a blue checkered handkerchief.

“Huh? Oh, yeah, that’s mine. I didn’t even notice I dropped it.”

It must’ve fallen out of my pocket when I got kidnapped by the fan club. She actually went out of her way to return it? To a guy she’d only just met, who blurted out something as pervy as I did?

“I’m glad I found the owner.”

On top of that, she doesn’t seem to harbor even the slightest bit of disgust toward me. How can she smile like that after everything? Is she an angel?

“Sorry about that. Thanks a lot.”

“But, but, you know, not just philosophy—there are actually quite a lot of famous quotes and proverbs from all over the world that have to do with… panties, don’t you think?”

Out of nowhere, Ouka Yuuouji veers completely off track into incomprehensible nonsense.

“Yeah, I can’t think of a single one, though…”

“Like, ‘All roads lead to panties,’ for example.”

“No, they don’t! Rome is not a piece of underwear!”

“Young man, embrace panties… No, wait, that’s wrong—wear panties!”

“That’s not where you went wrong!”

“Et tu, Brutus? …Panties?”

“No, it’s just Brutus!”

“I am a cat. I have yet to wear panties.”

“And you don’t need to!”

“‘This scent is nice,’ you said, so July 6th is now Panties Memorial Day.”

“What kind of situation is that?!”

“Thou shalt not create panties upon panties.”

“What are you even trying to say anymore?!”

“I am capable of seeing myself objectively. You and I… wear different panties!”

“Obviously!”

Guh… This is bad. I’ve fallen completely into Yuuouji’s pace.

“But, but, why Konagi-tan? You like her?”

If anything, I was the one who wanted to ask that question.

“No, I don’t have romantic feelings for her.”

I mean, yeah, after actually talking to her, I do think she’s ridiculously cute, and if you asked whether I liked her or disliked her, I’d definitely say the former.

But it’s more like how you feel about an idol on TV—it’s not the kind of “like” Yuuouji is talking about.

“So basically, Amacchi, you want to see the panties of a girl you don’t even like.”

“Well… I guess that’s how it turns out.”

“You want to rip off the panties of a girl you don’t even like and sniff-sniff them?”

“Who the hell said I wanted to go that far?!”

“You want to rip off a girl’s panties, sniff-sniff them, then gyoi-gyoi, ogena-ogena, and nugyan-nugyan?”

“Speak proper Japanese!!”

Just as I was yelling at the top of my lungs, a voice suddenly called out from behind me.

“Um… Amakusa-kun, I hate to interrupt your fun, but…”

When I turned around, I saw the class rep (beautiful glasses girl) giving me a hesitant look. No, I am not having fun. Dealing with her is exhausting, seriously.

That aside, our ever-smiling, ever-approachable class rep was looking at me with an expression that was a mix of fear and contempt.

She must have overheard my conversation with Yuuouji. But… there’s no way she actually took all that nonsense seriously and thinks I really want to gyoi-gyoi, right? …She totally thinks that, doesn’t she?

“Amakusa-kun, you have a visitor.”

Following her gaze, I turned my eyes toward the hallway.

“A visitor? Who the hell would—huh?”

Standing there in the hallway was none other than Konagi Yawakaze herself.

“Hey, isn’t that Yawakaze?”

“Crap, she’s still crazy hot.”

“Why is she here for Amakusa…?”

The class started to buzz as they noticed her presence.

“Oh, look, it’s Panties Konagi-tan.”

“Stop calling her that!”

“Oh, look, it’s Konagi-tan, the one Amacchi tried to see panties from.”

“Stop calling her that even more!”

I barely managed to hold Yuuouji back and rushed out into the hallway, shutting the door behind me.

“Yawakaze? What brings you here?”

I thought she had come to complain about my pervy comment earlier, but… her expression didn’t seem like that, and knowing her personality, that didn’t seem likely either.

While I was trying to figure out what was going on, she spoke up first.

“Um… I thought this might be yours, Amakusa-kun.”

She held out a blue checkered handkerchief in her hand.

“Huh? Oh, yeah, that’s mine. I must’ve dropped it. I didn’t even notice.”

I probably lost it when I got abducted by her fan club. And yet, she actually took the time to return it… To a guy who, upon meeting her for the first time, blurted out an insane perverted line.

“I’m glad. That’s a relief.”

And yet, she didn’t seem the least bit disgusted by me. Why? How? What kind of angel is she?

“Thanks, I appreciate it.”

“Oh, um, I don’t mind at all, but…”

Even though her errand was done, Yawakaze made no move to leave. Seeing my puzzled expression, she blushed slightly and fidgeted as she spoke hesitantly.

“Um… about this morning…”

She was obviously referring to the panties comment. I had missed my chance to apologize and was wondering what to do, but I never expected her to bring it up first.

“Uh, well… I’m really sorry about that.”

“Oh, no, that’s not it! It’s not that I wanted you to apologize or anything. It’s just… it was my first time having a boy say something like that to me.”

Yeah, no kidding.

“Umm… this is kind of embarrassing to say, but… I think… underwear should only be shown to someone you really like.”

“GWAH!”

For a moment, I thought I coughed up blood. No, seriously. What the hell? What the hell is this? This is cheating. What is she? What even is this person? Has she never learned to doubt people? Are only saints and angels allowed in her world? Has she never once encountered the filth of this world in her entire life?

I was starting to understand why her fan club was so possessive. This girl… she wasn’t someone to be hoarded by one person. No, she was something that should be shared equally among all.

And at the same time, an overwhelming sense of guilt crushed me. What did I say to this girl just a few hours ago? Show me your panties? …Yeah, I should just die.

“I’m so sorry!”

I dropped to my knees in a perfect dogeza. I had never realized before that dogeza wasn’t something you decide to do—it just happens.

“A-Amakusa-kun, you don’t have to do that…!”

Even as Yawakaze tried to reassure me, I couldn’t lift my forehead from the floor.

And I swore to myself.

Screw absolute choices.

Screw curses.

Screw missions.

Enough. To hell with all of that.

God? I don’t care anymore.

I will no longer be a pawn in this cruel game—

[CHOOSE:

① “So, when will you show me your panties?”

② Just give up and become panties myself.]

…Choice system, do you understand the concept of reading the room? This is not the time to show up! What are you even thinking? Are you stupid? Do you want to die?

…No response.

And what the hell is this? ① is just as awful as ever, but ② is pure nightmare fuel. If that’s meant literally, I wouldn’t even be human anymore.

If this were a game, I might have chosen something for the fun of it. But with these damn absolute choices, there’s no such thing as saving or resetting.

Which means, by process of elimination, I’m forced to pick ①.

…That’s what I would usually do—just give in to my fate.

But today is different.

To sully the ears of Konagi Yawakaze—this pure-hearted girl—with such vulgar words is unforgivable.

“Guh…”

Of course, my resolve means absolutely nothing to the cursed choice system. The headache starts.

A crushing pain sears through my brain, growing sharper by the second, like an iron grip tightening around my skull.

But I refuse. I refuse.

Right here, right now, I will murder this ridiculous choice system!

“Grrrraaaaahhh!”

I try resisting like some badass action hero—clenching my fists, bracing my body as if I could punch the pain away.

…Yeah, no effect whatsoever.