My Mental Choices Are Completely Interfering with My School Romantic Comedy

Volume 1 Chapter 2.4:

“I’m home… Wait, huh?”

When I got back, Chocolat was nowhere to be seen. She told me she’d watch the house, but did she just up and leave on her own?

“Whatever.”

I had bigger things to worry about. I needed to figure out a way to make Yukihira laugh—fast.

“…No good.”

I’d been thinking about it the entire time I was making dinner, but I couldn’t come up with a single idea.

I mean, I’m not a comedian or anything. Expecting me to suddenly make someone laugh from the bottom of their heart? That’s just unreasonable.

Utage-sensei said I had to pull this off no matter what, but this wasn’t something I could just brute-force with effort and determination…

As I let out a sigh and turned off the stove, Chocolat walked in at the exact right moment, as if she had been waiting for it.

“I’m back!”

“Oh, where were you—wait, what’s with that huge bag?”

Chocolat had burst into the living room at full speed, carrying an overstuffed backpack on her back.

“This is a collection of items to make Furano-san laugh! I spent all day gathering them for you, Kanade-san!”

She beamed as she set the backpack down on the floor.

Honestly, the fact that she prepared them didn’t inspire much confidence… but considering I hadn’t come up with anything myself, I was willing to grasp at straws. I reached out to check the contents of the bag when—

“Hmm… What’s this delicious smell?”

Chocolat sniffed the air, her nose twitching as she looked toward the kitchen.

“Oh, that’s just dinner. I made pot-au-feu.”

“Po-Pot-au-feu…? You’re telling me this household serves something that trendy!?”

Trendy? I’ve never actually heard someone say that word out loud before… Also, pot-au-feu is just a simple home-cooked dish. There’s nothing trendy about it.

“Well, let’s check what’s inside the bag—no, actually, let’s eat first.”

“Yes, let’s! Let’s eat first!”

With a face like a dog that had just been told it was getting a treat, there was no way I could ignore her and check the bag first.

“Nom… hoaa… this is… how should I put it… extremely… pot-au-feu!”

My little puppy had an astonishingly poor vocabulary. Well, judging from those relaxed, blissful cheeks, it was more than clear that she was satisfied with the taste.

“So, mind showing me what’s inside that backpack now?”

“Oh, right! Hehehe, then allow me to reveal my ultimate treasure!”

She pulled out a book that had been tucked into the outer pocket of her backpack and handed it over.

“10 Ways to Get a Girl’s Smile – Become a Love King Today!”

…It was radiating pure, undiluted sketchiness. Also, that subtitle needs to chill.

“Let’s see here…”

Books like this were, nine times out of ten, utterly useless. Still, even if it was Chocolat who brought it, it felt rude to dismiss it outright without at least flipping through it.

It was filled with a surprising number of illustrations, and while fairly thick, reading through the whole thing looked like it would be a challenge.

Table of Contents

① Compliment her by saying, ‘You’re cute.’

Starting off with something extremely straightforward… Well, it’s true that no girl would dislike hearing that.

[Explanation] If the girl in question isn’t cute, try saying, ‘You’re cute! (lol)’ in a playful manner.

That’s just plain rude!

② Use metaphors to compliment her.

So, an advanced version of the first one? Like saying, “Your smile is like a sunflower,” or something along those lines? Kind of embarrassing, but if done well, it could make a girl happy.

[Explanation] Example for a girl with a horse-like face: ‘Hey there! You look like you’re about to chase after a carrot!’

She’d be absolutely furious!

③ Do whatever the other person wants.

I don’t know about this one… Seems like a case-by-case thing.

[Explanation] Well, the happiness that awaits you afterward isn’t necessarily guaranteed, though…

Then why write it at all?!

④ Start by smiling yourself.

Oh? This actually seems like solid advice. After all, if you’re not enjoying yourself, there’s no way you can make those around you smile.

[Explanation] By the way, when the author tested this in summer while wearing a coat and sunglasses in front of a little girl, she burst into tears.

That’s just a full-on creep!

[Little girls’ crying faces… haah haah.]

Officer, this one right here!!

⑤ Give her money.

No, just no! You can’t do that! Sure, she might smile for a moment, but…

[Explanation] The smiles obtained through this method are 100% fake.

This guy totally missed the point of his own book!

⑥ Slap her butt repeatedly.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, what the hell is this all of a sudden?!

[Explanation] My wife smiles unconditionally when I do this.

That’s beyond just being a masochist!

[But honestly, if I had to choose, I’d rather be the one getting slapped than doing the slapping…]

Then just go slap each other in private!

“What the hell is this book…?”

I was already getting fed up. I had absolutely zero expectations for what lay ahead, but since I had come this far, I figured I might as well read to the end.

⑦ Try saying, ‘Just smile, and it’ll be fine.’

That’s plagiarism!

[Explanation] If a normally expressionless girl asks, ‘I don’t know what kind of face I should make in times like these,’ respond with this line.

Like hell that situation would ever happen!

⑧ Talk about next year.

That only works on demons! First the last one, now this—these techniques are way too niche!

[Explanation] While this method is often thought to only work on demons, the truth is, every woman harbors a demon within her heart.

What kind of nonsense is that?! And why is it phrased like it’s some sort of profound truth?!

⑨ Laugh…

What the hell is this? This is by far the most incomprehensible one yet. I tilted my head and read the explanation.

[Explanation] ‘You betcha!’

You’ve completely given up, haven’t you?!

⑩ Tickling.

Are you messing with me?!

“This book should be pulled from the shelves immediately!”

Frustrated beyond belief, I slammed the book onto the floor.

“Oh? It wasn’t helpful?”

“Not even a millimeter.”

I mean, the fact that this even made it to market is nothing short of a miracle. The publisher needs to get their act together.

“Really~?”

Chocolat picked up the discarded book and started flipping through it with interest.

“See? It’s completely ridiculous.”

How did they even stretch that nonsense into over 300 pages? At this point, I was more curious about that than the actual content.

“Not at all! Look! ‘The 48 Ultimate Tickling Techniques’—it’s all illustrated!”

What the hell is that…? That’s so stupid.

“I’m done with this. I’m gonna take a shower.”

I left the living room, calling out to Chocolat, who was somehow staring at the book with sparkling eyes.

“Oi, oi… you’re still reading that?”

Even after I finished my shower and came back while drying my hair with a towel, Chocolat was still completely engrossed in the book.

I couldn’t imagine that thing being worth so much attention, but I had no reason to stop her. So, I plopped down on the sofa and turned on the TV.

I considered checking what else was in that unopened backpack, but if the “ultimate treasure” was that book, it was probably a complete waste of time.

I flipped through channels, looking for something that might give me some useful pointers, and settled on a comedy show.

“…Pfft.”

It was a standard talk show featuring comedians, but pros really were on another level. Still, even if I memorized their jokes and repeated them to Yukihira, there was no way it’d be funny.

Comedy isn’t just about the material—it’s the atmosphere, the timing, and a combination of different elements that make it work. And honestly, I didn’t think I had the talent for it.

So then… how the hell am I supposed to make Yukihira laugh?

As I was lost in thought, trying to come up with an answer, I suddenly felt a hand on my shoulder.

“Hmm? Chocolat?”

“Kanade-san, I have mastered the 48 Ultimate Tickling Techniques. I simply must try them out for myself.”

With a fearless grin, Chocolat leaped onto the sofa.

“And this is also a perfect opportunity for some skinship.”

“Skinship?”

“Yes. I finally understand why Kanade-san is always so distant, even though I try so hard to be helpful. It’s because our relationship is too superficial. To truly grow closer, we need more physical contact.”

How the hell did she reach that conclusion?! The only reason I act distant is because dealing with you is exhausting—wait, huh?

Before I could even process it, Chocolat suddenly flipped my entire body over and pinned my arms down, locking them under her grip.

“Hey! What the hell are you—?! Let go—whoa, you’re strong!”

Daiko-san and even Utage-sensei had ridiculous brute strength, but this was on a whole different level. Her body might be soft and squishy, but her grip was as unyielding as a damn vise.

Actually, forget that—more importantly, her chest… her chest is pressing against my back!

“Fufu, it’s useless to resist.”

On top of that—what the hell is this scent…? It’s sweet. Overwhelmingly sweet. That indescribable fragrance seeps into my senses, making my brain feel like it’s melting… My rationality… This is bad…

“Oh, your expression is starting to soften nicely, Kanade-san.”

Wait, wait, wait! Calm down, me! This girl may look like a girl, but she’s actually some strange, otherworldly creature! She’s not human—more like a dog that wags its tail and jumps on people… Yeah, that’s it! She’s just a dog.

Getting worked up over a pet—what the hell am I doing? As the owner, I need to discipline her properly.

“Hey, Chocolat, let go. This is a matter of life and de—Ahf!”

As I struggled, her hand, which had been reaching under my arm, accidentally brushed against my nipple—causing a weird noise to escape from my mouth.

“Fufu, then let’s begin. First up, ‘Armpit Disruption.’”

“Wait, hold on—Bwahaha!”

She relentlessly attacked my armpits.

“Very good! Next is ‘Chaotic Hidden Button!’”

“Ch-Chocolat, I said stop—GYAHAHAHAHA!”

I writhed uncontrollably on the sofa.

“This one’s quite something! ‘Chrysanthemum Cross Slash!’”

“Wait, wha—NO! NOT THERE! HYAHAHAHAHA!”

“Fufu, the real skinship starts now.”

“Hih… Hiih… Enough already, hihyahyahyahyaaaa!”

—

“Ahaha… ahaha… ahahahahaha…”

Over ten minutes later, I lay sprawled out on the floor, completely enveloped in an overwhelming sense of euphoria.

I laughed. I couldn’t even remember the last time I laughed this much.

“Ahaha… Chocolat… Laughing… it’s a beautiful thing, isn’t it?”

“K-Kanade-san is acting even weirder than usual…”

I couldn’t move. My entire body had gone limp, and I had lost the will to even argue back.

More than anything, I was exhausted. Just… unbearably sleepy… Maybe I should just drift off like this… No, wait. I still haven’t figured out how to make Yukihira laugh… That’s right. I should just do this to her… That way, I clear my mission and Yukihira feels good—two birds with one stone… Oh, but if I do it, it’ll definitely count as sexual harassment… Then should I have Chocolat do it instead? No, that wouldn’t count for the mission…

Ah… Whatever… So sleepy… So… sleeeepy…