My Mental Choices Are Completely Interfering with My School Romantic Comedy - Volume 1 Chapter 2.3:

Volume 1 Chapter 2.3: 

“Buhiiiiii!”

The sound, reminiscent of a pig being lynched, echoed through Classroom 2-1 during lunch break.

“Buhiiiiii!”

It was a cry steeped in agony, as if it truly belonged to a pig in the midst of a beating.

“Buhiiiiii!”

The source of the voice wore an expression overflowing with all manner of negative emotions, a testament to the unspeakable torment he was enduring. If one had to put a title to this scene, it would undoubtedly be: A Pig Being Lynched.

“Buhiiiiii!”

After the tenth and final squeal, the Pig Being Lynched—no, I—descended from the teacher’s podium, my face blank and hollow.

【Choose: ① Lie on the teacher’s desk and imitate a Pig Being Lynched ten times. ② A fully nude Daiko-san appears, bound in rope, performing the same act as a live public boneless ham performance.】

The moment these choices appeared before me, I seriously—no, quite seriously—considered jumping off the rooftop. But dying with a cause of death listed as Refusal to Imitate a Pig wasn’t exactly a path to enlightenment, so I barely managed to hold myself back.

“Why… Why is this happening to me…?”

It was all because of this damn Absolute Choice. If I could just rid myself of it, I could reclaim my peaceful life.

The conditions were clear: I had to complete the missions given to me by the so-called “God.”

But this time, the task was: “Make Yukihira Furano laugh from the bottom of her heart.”

…What the hell is that supposed to mean? It was such a ridiculous demand that I couldn’t even begin to take it seriously.

“…Huh?”

Sensing someone behind me, I turned around—only to find Yukihira herself standing there. She wore her usual expressionless face and placed a hand on my shoulder with a light pat.

“Amakusa-kun, I understand your admiration, but that was a bit much.”

“Admiration? What are you even talking about?”

“Well, I’d love to acknowledge your effort, but it’s not that simple, you see.”

“I have no idea what you’re trying to say.”

“Unfortunately, I can’t recognize what you just did as a Black Pig Joke.”

“I WASN’T AIMING FOR ONE IN THE FIRST PLACE!”

Wait… Was this about yesterday? When she was spouting nonsense about bugs and pigs?

“By the way, since you’re fair-skinned, it wouldn’t be a Black Pig Joke—it would be a White Pig Joke. In other words, you’re a White Pig.”

“I don’t need to know that!”

“Your official title would be: ‘The White Pig’s Exquisite Laughter Time – Pigs Show Time.’”

“How the hell can you say something that embarrassing with a straight face?!”

“Then let me ask you this: If it wasn’t a Black Pig Joke, what exactly was that bizarre act of yours?”

“Ugh…”

I was at a loss for words. How was I supposed to explain it? There was no reason, so I had no explanation.

…Wait, could this be my chance?

Rather than saying I had randomly decided to imitate a Pig Being Lynched, wouldn’t it be better to claim I was deliberately trying a Black Pig Joke (whatever that was)? It might save me from some humiliation.

“W-Well, actually, I found your joke yesterday pretty funny, so I thought I’d try it myself…”

I immediately regretted my words. That was way too forced. I stole a glance at Yukihira, who—rather than being convinced—was now looking at me with utter contempt.

“I knew it.”

“Huh?”

“I had my doubts, so I set a trap for you… And now it’s confirmed. You were trying to plagiarize my Black Pig Jokes, the ones I spend sleepless nights perfecting.”

…What the hell is this girl talking about?

“At this point, I have no choice but to take legal action.”

“No, wait, I wasn’t trying to steal anything!”

“I’LL SUE YOU!”

She shouted in a style reminiscent of a certain comedy group.

“No, seriously, I wasn’t even trying to—”

“I’LL SUE YOU!”

…This girl just wants to say that phrase, doesn’t she?

“Alright, alright! I was wrong, okay? Can we just drop this now—”

“I’LL SUE YOU!”

SHUT UP ALREADY!

“Judge! Somebody call the judge!”

“There is no judge! And stop saying that like you’re calling for a chef!”

“Phew, that was a good meal.”

Right at that moment, a new nuisance appeared—Yuuouji, strolling into the classroom.

Judging by the way she patted her full stomach, she must have just finished lunch at the cafeteria.

“Ara, perfect timing—the judge has just returned.”

“No, no matter how you look at it, that’s just Yuuouji…”

“Oh? What’s this? I smell something interesting brewing.”

Crap. This was only going to get way more annoying.

“Judge, this man here is an outrageous criminal who attempted to steal another’s intellectual property. I demand a fair trial.”

Intellectual property? Pig jokes are intellectual property now?

“I’m not sure what’s going on, but… death penalty.”

“THIS ISN’T EVEN A PROPER TRIAL!”

“Case closed. Off to the spit roast with you.”

“I’M NOT A PIG!”

Ignoring my protests, Yukihira continued speaking in her usual monotone.

“Judge, there are two key issues in this trial. The first, of course, is whether the defendant is ‘guilty or not guilty.’ And the second… is whether the defendant is ‘human or pig.'”

“That makes no sense!”

“To summarize, the defendant must be judged as either ‘guilty or pig.'”

“That makes even less sense!”

“Amakusa-kun, in a way, ‘human’ and ‘guilty’ are practically synonymous. After all, humanity is a creature steeped in karma, existing only by sacrificing all other life. Yes… in other words, its very existence is a sin.”

“Why are you making it sound all profound?!”

“Now then, Judge, it is time for the verdict.”

“Too soon! We haven’t even debated anything yet!”

Seriously, what kind of discussion could possibly determine whether someone is guilty or a pig?

“Alright then, pig it is.”

“I AM NOT A PIG!”

“Fine then, guilty.”

“I’M NOT GUILTY EITHER!”

“Even after experiencing the mercy of a judge willing to overturn their ruling, you still act this way… I do hope you’ll start taking this seriously.”

“No, it’s YOU two! No matter how you look at it, YOU’RE the ones messing around here!”

“But y’know, Amacchi—your pig impression was loud enough to reach outside the classroom, and you’re always doing borderline criminal stuff.”

“Ugh…”

I had no retort to that. I mean, if we’re being honest, I probably have done a few things that could be considered minor offenses…

“Exactly. Amakusa-kun, there’s just something vaguely pig-like about you… and something subtly guilty about you too.”

“‘Vaguely’!? That’s completely subjective!”

“Amakusa-kun, if you think a mere individual can judge another with absolute objectivity, then that’s just ego.”

“Why do you keep making these ridiculous statements sound all profound?!”

“Now, make your choice, Amakusa Kanade! Will you live in a pigsty as a pig, or rot in a prison cell as a human?!”

“I refuse both!”

Seriously, I’m done dealing with these two. Can someone please put an end to this madness?

“OI!!”

At that moment, the door burst open, and Utage-sensei stormed into the classroom.

“Geh…!”

Without missing a beat, she marched straight toward me and grabbed me by the collar—no questions asked.

“Amakusa, you little—! I heard you smuggled a pig into the classroom and kept petting it nonstop!”

“No no no, that’s ridiculous! Sensei, what do you even take your students for?”

“A pig fetishist.”

“Why are you saying it like it’s some kind of niche preference?!”

“Well, jokes aside… …We got multiple reports in the staff room about some weird, pig-like noises coming from Class 1.”

“That… was me.”

“I thought so. Amakusa-kun, as always, I can’t just let you off the hook after causing this kind of mess. It’d set a bad example for everyone else, y’know?”

I get the logic, but can’t we just fake the punishment? Pretend to rough me up a little and then drag me off to the guidance office or something…?

…Wait. Why is the grip getting tighter?

“Ohh… this sensation… the way it sinks into the flesh… It’s been a while.”

Did she just mutter something extremely dangerous under her breath?!

“Damn… Now I’m all fired up. This ain’t gonna be settled with just a slap on the wrist.”

No, no, no—something’s wrong! Something’s wrong with her!

“Amakusa. Well… you know what’s coming.”

“What do you mean by that?! Gweh—!”

Before I could even process what was happening, my consciousness faded into darkness…

***

“So?”

“‘So?’ THAT’S ALL YOU HAVE TO SAY?! You’ve got more to say than that, don’t you?!”

In the student guidance office, I had just regained consciousness, only to find my homeroom teacher acting like nothing had happened. My frustration exploded.

“Don’t worry. Humans don’t die that easily.”

“That’s NOT the issue here!”

“I’m a pro when it comes to strangling. I know exactly where the safe limits are. Back in the day, they used to call me Utage the Neck-Snapper.”

“That sounds like a title from a Yakuza movie!!”

No way should a language teacher have a nickname like that… Just what kind of world did this woman live in?!

“Still, there was no other way to settle things back there.”

“No, there totally was! If anything, YOU escalated the problem!”

She might be enjoying this trip down memory lane, but I nearly walked away with lifelong trauma.

When I pointed that out, Utage-sensei—for once—looked slightly apologetic.

“Yeah… maybe I overdid it a little. Alright, I’ll teach you a special technique to make up for it.”

“A special technique?”

“Yeah, there’s a pressure point that can erase the last five minutes of your memory.”

This reeks of bullshit.

“It’s still within five minutes, right? Wanna give it a shot and forget what just happened?”

“No thanks… but out of curiosity, where’s this pressure point?”

“Oh, it’s on the back of your head. I don’t know the exact spot, though, so just slam your head into the wall or floor a bunch of times.”

“THAT’S NOT A PRESSURE POINT, THAT’S JUST A CONCUSSION!!”

Who is this woman…? And yet, I knew that even she had been cursed at one point.

I couldn’t imagine someone like Utage-sensei being manipulated by the absolute choices, but…

“Sensei… were you really cursed?”

It was just a casual question, but for a split second, her body shuddered.

“Yeah… to be honest, my personality got a little rough because of it. You of all people should get it, right? If that kind of crap was being forced into your head 24/7, of course your entire nature would get warped. Originally, I was much quieter, more innocent, more delicate… yeah, to put it in one word—a Yamato Nadeshiko.”

“Bullshit!”

I blurted it out purely on reflex.

“You wanna repeat that, punk?!”

Y-Yeah, no. No way I could believe that when she was glaring at me like she was about to actually strangle me this time.

“Tch… Anyway, putting that aside, what happened with that ‘thing falling from the sky’ yesterday?”

She leaned back in her chair, her tone casual.

…So she was paying attention to that.

I explained in detail about Chocolat moving into my place and my conversation with Charasuke.

“So the goddamn mission showed up, huh…”

Hearing my story, Sensei scowled.

“Yeah, but what is that mission thing anyway? The content is so ridiculous, I can’t take it seriously.”

I mean, making Yukihira laugh from the bottom of her heart? That has zero connection to the absolute choices.

“That’s the real deal.”

“Hah?”

The entire atmosphere around Utage-sensei shifted.

“The gods are sloppy, and the missions they give might seem like jokes, but if you fail even once, the curse will never be lifted. That part is dead serious.”

The weight in her voice made me hold my breath.

“‘Why?’ doesn’t matter. The moment a mission appears, you have to complete it—no matter what. Listen up, Amakusa. Do it like your life depends on it.”

Her expression left no room for doubt—this wasn’t a threat or a joke. This was reality.

“Well, I’ll keep backing you up like always. The rest is up to you.”

…Wait. Which part of any of this was “backing me up”?!

I wanted to retort, but saying it out loud would probably make things worse, so I held back.

“So, what’s the actual mission? Show me your phone.”

After checking the contents, Sensei gave me a look filled with pure pity.

“…Damn. That’s rough, kid.”

“H-Hey, what’s with that ‘you’re totally screwed’ reaction?!”

Her response made my sense of impending doom skyrocket.

But seriously…

Making Yukihira laugh from the bottom of her heart by tomorrow?

That sounds completely impossible.

***

“And so, as I was saying—”

During our afternoon class, my gaze was locked on Yukihira’s seat in the middle of the classroom.

Yukihira rested her cheek lightly on her hand, listening to the teacher’s lecture. As always, her face was expressionless, but her features were undeniably beautiful.

No, no, this isn’t the time to be thinking about that. By tomorrow, I have to make her laugh out loud, or things are going to get really bad.

The only reason I’ve been able to endure the absurd demands of this “Absolute Choice” for a whole year is because I had hope. Hope that, like Utage-sensei, who managed to break the curse, I would one day be freed from it too.

But if I fail this mission, and it turns out that the curse will never be lifted… then that’s it. My life will be over.

“Kukaahhh…”

A loud snore from the seat behind me snapped me back to reality. It was Yuuouji, fast asleep, drooling onto her notebook with a blissful expression.

“Heh heh… Nice, hamburg steak… Oh, there’s curry rice too.”

What the hell kind of dream is that? Is she a kid or something?

If this mission was about making someone like Yuuouji laugh, it would be a piece of cake. Unfortunately, reality wasn’t that convenient. I turned my gaze back to Yukihira.

Come to think of it, I don’t think I’ve ever seen her laugh.

When I mess around, she reacts—sometimes raising her voice, sometimes giving exaggerated responses—but as soon as it’s over, her face goes right back to being blank.

And then, as if sensing my gaze, Yukihira suddenly turned to look at me, and our eyes met directly.

“Ugh…”

I wasn’t doing anything wrong, but getting caught staring at someone is still embarrassing.

Yukihira seemed to pick up on my unease. She narrowed her eyes slightly before turning back toward the blackboard.

And then, after class ended… she walked straight up to my desk.

“Amakusa-kun, I hate to break it to you, but no matter how long you keep staring at me, the relationship between us isn’t going to change.”

Wait… does she think I’ve been staring at her because I like her?

“N-No, Yukihira, it’s not like that at all—”

“I’m sorry, but I can’t be your little sister.”

“…Huh? What the hell are you talking about?”

“Yesterday, in episode 330 of Magical Youth Griggia 5, a new magic item appeared—the Onii-chan Dai-chuki Glasses. When you put them on and stare at someone’s back for long enough, that person will turn into your little sister, no matter who they are.”

What kind of ridiculous setting is that? And how the hell did this show make it past 300 episodes?

“Oh, and by the way, in that episode, a hundred-year-old grandpa turned into the protagonist’s little sister and started flirting with him.”

“WHO THE HELL WANTS TO SEE THAT!?”

“I just assumed that you had gotten a pair of Onii-chan Dai-chuki Glasses and were trying to turn me into your little sister.”

“THERE’S NO SUCH THING AS MAGIC ITEMS IN REAL LIFE!”

“But you know, they say that if a man reaches thirty without… well, certain experiences, he becomes a wizard.”

“CAN YOU NOT JUST RANDOMLY DECIDE MY FUTURE!?”

Despite all the absurd things she was saying, Yukihira’s face remained as expressionless as ever.

Making her laugh… This mission is seriously impossible.