My Mental Choices Are Completely Interfering with My School Romantic Comedy

Chapter 1: Kanade Amakusa’s Not-So-Sweet Daily Life

What if you saw an adult magazine in the middle of the road?

Obviously, you’d take a peek.

Now, if you’re a high school student, you have your reputation to consider. You can’t just blatantly pick it up. But still, you’d steal a glance with every ounce of your being.

And if the pages were open to something a little… niche, your excitement would spike.

But small joys like these are usually destined to be ruined.

[Choose: ① Press it against your face and take a deep whiff ② Eat it]

Right now, these are the choices floating in my head.

And I must choose one. That’s how it works.

Normally, you get excited by looking at the content of an adult magazine. Sniffing or eating it? That’s just… something else entirely.

But still… I chose to sniff.

As expected, it did nothing for me. Of course not. I was too close to even see anything but flesh tones.

“Whoa, look at that guy.”

“He’s sniffing a dirty mag! Total perv!”

A group of elementary schoolers passing by pointed at me, shouting.

“Crap, “Ero-Smell” is looking our way!”

“Haha, that guy’s definitely a virgin!”

They ran off laughing.

“…What the hell am I doing this early in the morning?”

Feeling utterly drained, I quietly placed the magazine back on the ground.

“Absolute Choices”

That’s what I’ve named this phenomenon. And just as the name suggests, whenever it happens, I must choose an option. No exceptions.

It appears randomly in my head—neither as text nor voice. It’s like information is directly implanted into my brain, forcing instant comprehension.

And since it completely ignores my senses, closing my eyes or covering my ears won’t help. Until I choose, the choices won’t disappear.

“Ara, Kanade-chan.”

A sudden, deep voice called out from ahead.

“…Ugh.”

Standing before me was Gotou Daiko (age 49). A neighborhood housewife with a commanding physique, easily weighing in the triple digits.

“Kanade-chan, heading to school?”

“Y-yeah.”

Fresh from a convenience store run, Daiko-san fixed me with a disturbingly warm gaze.

“Nufufu, you’re just as cute as ever.”

“—!”

A chill ran down my spine.

Every time we meet, she showers me with unnerving affection. Apparently, my face is the spitting image of her ex-husband’s when he was young. A completely useless miracle of coincidence.

As a result, I live under the constant threat of losing my chastity. My best bet? Use school as an excuse and get out of here.

“W-well, I should get going before I’m—”

[Choose: ① “Please hold me.” ② “Please hold me as your instincts desire.”]

…Are you serious?

Sometimes, these choices force actions. Other times, they force words out of my mouth.

No matter how ridiculous, once the choices appear, I must obey.

Also, what the hell is even the difference between ① and ②?!

“…Please hold me.”

The moment I whispered the words, barely audible, the choices disappeared.

And Daiko-san’s eyes—her predatory eyes—gleamed.

“Kanade-chan… at last.”

This is bad. This is really bad.

“W-wait! That was a mistake—”

“I accept!”

Accept what, exactly!?

A flesh missile charged at me, wrapping me in an iron grip.

“GYAAAAAH!”

Holy hell, how strong is this woman!? My bones! I can hear them creaking!

“Gi… Gib! I give—!”

My desperate pleas were ignored.

“GAAAAHHHHH!”

“Phew, that was satisfying.”

Several seconds later, apparently satiated, Daiko-san finally released me. She strutted away, a Nufufu of satisfaction echoing behind her.

“Ugh…”

I barely held myself upright, my knees trembling.

The frequency of Absolute Choices is completely random, and back-to-back occurrences aren’t uncommon. But this morning? A dirty mag faceplant into a Daiko death hug? Too much.

Still groggy, I kept walking.

Just as I reached the intersection—

[Choose: ① A beautiful girl falls from the sky ② Daiko-san falls from the sky]

…No. No, no, no.

She just walked away toward her house!

Then again, questioning physics is pointless. Absolute Choices ignore the laws of nature entirely.

If the choice says it will happen, it will happen.

Meaning that if I pick ②, Daiko-san will absolutely fall from the sky.

If I take that impact head-on? Death. Both physically and spiritually.

So, with the full weight of self-preservation, I chose ①.

“…But how is this gonna work?”

Would a person just suddenly appear midair? Cautiously, I looked up.

Nothing.

“Huh?”

Puzzled, I lowered my gaze back to the street—

THUD!

“WAH?!?!”

Something plummeted at high speed, crashing to the ground right in front of me.

“Wh-what the hell!?”

Falling onto my butt, I gawked in shock. I expected something to fall. But actually seeing it happen was… surreal.

However, as my brain struggled to process the situation, one far stronger question arose.

“…What the hell is this?”

Because the person (?) who had fallen… was doing a bridge.

No, I know that probably makes no sense, but let me just tell you exactly what happened… The person (?) who had fallen… was doing a bridge.

…Yeah, that doesn’t add any new information at all.

They weren’t lying face down, nor face up, nor were they collapsed on the ground. No, what existed before me was a flawless, impeccable bridge.

…Why?

Faced with such an absurd sight, I found myself frozen in place.

Several seconds must have passed like that. Then, suddenly, the bridging entity crumpled to the ground with a thud.

That snapped me out of my stupor. The sheer impact of the bridge had completely wiped my thoughts clean, but—this person had fallen from the sky!

“Are… are you okay!?”

I hurried over and shook their body.

“Mm… fumyu?”

A drowsy, absentminded voice slipped out, as if waking from a nap.

“Oh, thank goodness…”

Confirming their survival, I let out a sigh of relief. As I looked down, the person lifted their face.

“Huh? Where… am I?”

As they glanced around curiously, their gaze locked onto mine.

“Ugh…”

I sucked in a breath.

Pale, almost unnaturally white skin. Soft, golden hair that seemed to float. Clear, deep blue eyes. A fairytale-like outfit, colored like chocolate.

And above all, a face so unnaturally well-formed, it was as if reality itself had been edited. I could do nothing but stare in astonishment.

As I stood there, unable to find words, the girl’s face suddenly lit up.

“You’re Amakusa Kanade-san, right?”

“Huh?”

I was caught completely off guard by the sudden use of my full name.

“A… Ah, yeah, that’s me.”

I racked my memory, but no matter how hard I searched, there was no record of such a beautiful girl.

“Uh… and you are?”

“Yes! My name is… hmm? My name is… uhh… what was it again?”

“I mean… I wouldn’t know.”

The girl thought for a brief moment, then clapped her hands together.

“I see! It looks like I have mild amnesia!”

No, that’s not something you should be announcing so cheerfully…

“I must have hit my head pretty hard when I fell.”

No, you were doing a perfect bridge! Your head wasn’t even touching the ground!

“Well, it’s fine. I’m sure I’ll remember eventually. It’s heiki no heizaemon!”

Heiki no Heizaemon…? Nobody says that anymore! And coming from someone who looks so foreign, the mismatch is way too much!

“Oh! If you’d like, you can just call me Heizaemon for now.”

Yeah, I’ll pass.

“Well, let’s set aside the name issue for now! I have something important to tell you, Kanade-san!”

“Something important…? Hm?”

She stepped closer, flashing an innocent smile.

At that moment, I felt something strange.

A weird sense of familiarity.

“Kanade-san? What’s wrong?”

I figured it out.

She’s like a dog.

That feeling when they attach themselves to you and shower you with affection without any conditions—this girl and a dog gave off exactly the same impression.

Before I even realized it, my hand had reached out and was patting her head.

Crap—was that too familiar?

But rather than minding, she beamed happily.

“Ehehe.”

“Hm?”

A strand of her bangs suddenly perked up.

When I stopped patting, it drooped back down.

“Oh, that happens when I’m happy! It just kind of… stands up on its own.”

That’s a tail.

Yeah, this girl is definitely a dog.

Suddenly, a thought bubbled up within me, and acting purely on impulse, I held out my hand.

“Shake.”

“Yes!”

…She did it.

“Sit.”

“Yes!”

She sat.

Yep. 100% a dog.

Guuuuuuuuuuuuurrrgle.

A massive noise suddenly echoed through the air. For a second, I thought someone was screaming, but no—it was just her stomach.

“Ugh… My stomach and my back are about to flip inside out…”

That sounds horrifying.

“You’re that hungry? Oh, wait—I think I have some left.”

I rummaged through my bag. There it was.

The moment she saw the bite-sized chocolate in my fingers, her face lit up.

“Oh! Chocolate!”

“You like these?”

“I love them!”

She beams with a radiant smile. Of course, giving chocolate to a real dog is absolutely forbidden, but… this girl only looks like one. She’s human… right?

“Here you go!”

I unwrap the package and toss it lightly into the air. She leaps up with a boing and catches the falling chocolate in her mouth.

“It’s dewishous!”

Her face melts into happiness, and just like before, the cowlick on her head—almost like a tail—perks up. …Kind of funny.

“Ah, let’s go with this!”

After finishing the chocolate, she claps her hands together with a pon.

“Go with what?”

“Chocolate!”

“Huh? What about it?”

“My name!”

“No… I don’t get it.”

“Kanade-san, do you like chocolate?”

“Well, I carry it around in my bag, so yeah, I like sweets in general.”

“Then, my name will be Chocolate!”

What kind of ridiculous logic is that?

“No, no, you can’t just be ‘Chocolate.’ That’s not a name.”

“Really? Then… let’s make it a bit more sophisticated—Chocolat!”

I have no idea how that’s supposed to be sophisticated, but at least “Chocolat” sounds more like a name than “Chocolate.” …If we’re naming a dog, that is.

“Alright, decision made!”

Well, as long as she’s satisfied with it.

She’s only missing part of her memory, so maybe if I keep asking her things, she’ll eventually remember her real name.

To gauge how much she remembers, I decide to start by asking about her purpose.

“My purpose is… to take care of Kanade-san!”

She declares it without the slightest hesitation.

“Huh? My… caretaker?”

“Yes! My memory is still a bit hazy, but that much, I am certain of!”

Somehow… this is starting to feel sketchy.

“I-I see… then, uh, where are you from?”

“From over there!”

She thrusts her finger upward.

“Hm? You mean… north?”

From her appearance, it’s obvious she’s not East Asian. Maybe she’s from Russia or Northern Europe?

“Nope! From the sky!”

“The… sky?”

“That’s right!”

I mean, sure, she did fall from the sky, but still…

“So basically, you’re saying you came from some world up in the sky just to take care of me?”

“Exactly!”

With a triumphant grin, Chocolat strikes a guts pose. In contrast, I feel something inside me cool off—fast.

“Goodbye.”

“Wh-why are you leaving?! Wait, please!”

I mean… she’s super suspicious.

“I’ll definitely be useful! Just try keeping me by your side!”

For some reason, she’s rubbing her hands together like a merchant trying to make a sale.

“No thanks, I don’t need that kind of thing.”

“If you take me in now, I’ll throw in some detergent!”

“This isn’t a newspaper subscription.”

“I’ll add a watermelon and tempura, too!”

“That combo will destroy my stomach!”

“I’ll throw in an apple and a gorilla!”

“I don’t need a trumpet or underwear either!”

“I’ll include a marriage certificate and divorce papers!”

“Those should never come together!”

“I’ll even add a land deed!”

“Okay, now that I do want!”

“Sorry, that was a lie!”

“Of course it was!”

“I’ll give you Guri and Gura too!”

“I already own it! It’s a classic, of course I have it!”

“I’ll include Baka and Test!”

“That just makes it sound like an F-grade idiot!”

“Then, please sign this document saying you’ll buy this very special jar!”

“Nice try, but no!”

…Ugh, what is this girl?

I decide it’s best to cut ties now before I get dragged any deeper. Turning my back, I start walking away.

“Aaaaah!”

Behind me, an obviously fake, dramatic cry echoes. I ignore it and keep walking.

“Aaaaaaaaah!”

…She’s just going to keep doing this until I react, isn’t she? Annoyed, I finally turn around.

Chocolat is lying dramatically on the ground, gazing up at me with puppy-dog eyes. A handkerchief—who knows where she pulled it from—is clutched between her teeth.

Somehow… this pisses me off.

“Well then—”

“Wait, wait, wait! A delicate young girl has collapsed! Shouldn’t you at least say something cool like, ‘Are you okay, baby?’”

The only person in this world who can say that and get away with it is Hana Maru-kun.

“Look, I have school. I don’t have time to mess around with you.”

Without realizing it, I’ve started calling her “you” instead of “you” politely. My brain must have decided this being doesn’t deserve formal respect.

“Come on now, don’t be like that! I’ll do anything you say! Give me an order!”

“Then, leave me alone.”

“Oh, unfortunately, that wish is beyond my power to grant.”

What are you, Shenron?!

I’m at a loss… How do I shake off this weird creature?

As I think in silence, something approaches in my field of vision. This is it.