My Childhood Friend Is Dangerously Sexy and Cute - 20

Chapter 20: There’s a Prayer I Have to Convey

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I was now walking through the park with him. The same park where I had gone cherry blossom viewing with Fujisaki-san and the others the other day. The cherry blossoms had already fallen. Spring had passed.

What was I even doing? What did I want to do? Did what I was about to do have any meaning? Would it only trouble him?

I was surely full of contradictions. I was probably thinking nothing but strange things. Even I didn’t really understand myself. But I felt there was something I had to tell him. That was why I had contacted him. Why I had asked him to make time for today.

We had talked again for the first time in a while at that hamburger shop where we used to chat so often in middle school. Childhood friends were a strange thing. Even if we hadn’t met for over a year, conversation still flowed. We could reminisce about the past endlessly. We could talk about the present, too. This was surely an irreplaceable kind of relationship.

Was I about to destroy it? With just a single word I was about to say? No. That wasn’t it. That wasn’t it at all. For the sake of what came next.. That was why I would tell him today.

I’d tell him about this feeling.

So please, just give me a little courage. Give me the courage to push through my own selfishness…. Fujisaki-san and Asama-kun.

I prayed to the two childhood friends I had admired. Believing that this place, where they had met, would give me strength.

Now then. Let me weave my words.

Believing it would be for my sake. Believing it would be for yours too.

“Hey, we’ve been to this park before, right?”

“Yeah.”

He answered calmly. Since becoming a high schooler, he felt much more mature. It was like I was the only one left behind.

“We played soccer, didn’t we? Back then I was taller than you, and better at soccer too.”

“We ran around like crazy. Even though the cherry blossoms were in bloom, we didn’t even pay attention to them.”

“Yeah. But it was really fun!”

I forced out as much energy as I could. Hoping he would see me as my usual self.

“We were always together, weren’t we?”

We ran under the blue sky together.

“Yeah.”

“Whatever we did, we did it together.”

We ate meals together.

“Yeah.”

“We spent so, so much time together.”

We studied together.

“Yeah… we did.”

“So, I’m sure this feeling that was born inside me… it’s real.”

“Kaho…?”

“So, so, um…”

Ah… he was confused. I was probably no longer wearing my usual expression. My nerves, my anxiety, they were probably showing. I was probably forcing a smile.

Should I just stop here? If I stop now, I can still turn back. I haven’t said anything concrete yet. But… but… Is that really okay?

If I let today pass, I felt like I would never see him again. Like I would never be able to gather the courage again. Like I would never be able to smile in front of him again. I hated that. Weaving these words was my selfishness. But even so, it was something I had to say.

Now. I would say it.

“I love you. I’ve always, always loved you.”

I said it. I said it out loud. There was no going back now. I would tell him everything I had to say.

“Th-that’s…”

“Yeah. Not as childhood friends. I love you as a girl.”

“Kaho…”

“Will you go out with me?”

These words had no meaning. Because I already knew his answer. If I didn’t, I wouldn’t have been able to say them. Even so, I put all my feelings into them.

“…Sorry. I can’t go out with you, Kaho.”

“…I see.”

“I have a girlfriend. I got one.”

I know. I knew everything.

That day, at the café, I found out about it. It hurt so much. I struggled so much. But because of that, I was able to make my choice. That was enough selfishness. From here on, I would go back to being my usual self. The me who made you smile. The me who wished for your happiness. It was too early to cry. Because I hadn’t yet said what I truly needed to say.

“Ahaha… geez. That’s no good. You shouldn’t be hanging out with me on your day off when you have a girlfriend.”

“…Yeah. You’re right. Sorry…”

He bowed his head, looking truly apologetic.

It’s okay. You don’t have to apologize. I was the one who invited you.

I didn’t need to say that just now. There wasn’t a single thing I wanted him to apologize for. And yet, he still tried to be sincere with someone like me. That was exactly why I loved him.

“Hey, do you love your girlfriend?”

“Huh? Of course I can’t just say that out of nowhere, you know…”

“Tell me. Properly.”

There were things I had to say, and things I wanted to hear too.

“…I… I love her.”

“Do you want to marry her?”

“That’s…”

“What about it?”

“…O-of course! I do!”

Pressed by my questioning, he answered almost desperately. That made sense. If he didn’t truly love her, he wouldn’t have shown that expression at the café. That was a face he never showed when he was with me.

“…Is that enough?”

Embarrassed. Awkward. He turned as if to leave. Maybe he thought I was blaming him. That wasn’t it. That was just confirmation. From here on was the real, true thing I had to say.

Facing his back, I shouted. Just as loudly as Asama-kun had back then. This shout was a prayer. A wish. Everything I wanted to be. A wish for myself, and for you.

So please, listen. My beloved person. The one I loved so much.

“Get along well with your girlfriend.”

“…!”

He stopped walking. He stopped for me.

“Make your girlfriend happy.”

His head seemed to lower slightly.

“And you, be happy too.”

His back seemed to hunch a little.

“I’ll always, always be cheering for you.”

Ah… I felt like I was going to cry. But I couldn’t yet.

“If something ever troubles you, rely on me. Always rely on your one and only childhood friend.”

“Kaho…”

I heard his voice, as if holding something back. If I had cried and clung to him, would something have changed? Would I have been able to shake his heart? I almost found myself wondering that now. But I could never choose that path. Because I wouldn’t be able to like that version of myself. I would end up denying myself. And there would be no happiness in that.

“Please…! Please…! Be happy…! That, that alone… is my wish!”

I shouted. I shouted my final words. I shouted my prayer. This was my answer. Was it strange for a high schooler to wish something like this for someone? Was it heavy?

But for us, this very moment mattered. We were living with everything we had. That was why we could shout something like this.

The childhood friend I had loved all this time, of course, had a girlfriend. He would never come to love me. Then what should I do? Tear him away from her and take him for myself? Wait for them to break up? And then I would have him, and be happy.

Would that really be happiness? Would there be any happiness for him in that?

I knew it sounded idealistic. To push someone down for the sake of your own happiness. Maybe that was something everyone did. Maybe it was something that naturally occurred. To make someone happy meant making someone else unhappy. They were words I had heard from someone, somewhere. 

The world was probably made that way. Not everyone could be happy. In a world like that, I had always wished for everyone around me to smile. That was how I had lived. But even so, the one person I truly, truly wanted to be happy was surely just one.

My childhood friend.

I realized that now. That didn’t mean my feelings up until now were a lie. And it didn’t mean my way of living would completely change from here on. But I understood that his happiness was the most important thing to me. And his happiness was probably not being with me. Not living alongside me.

So did I cast aside myself and wish for his happiness with her? No. I couldn’t be that much of a saint. Of course I wanted to be happy too. That was why I spoke those words today. Because his happiness would become my happiness too. Even if I wasn’t part of that happiness, I didn’t mind. Losing even our relationship as childhood friends would have been the worst thing for me.

It was enough for me just to watch. Just to look over him. That was probably my way of living. My answer. Now that I understood that, I should be able to move forward, little by little.

While wishing for your happiness, while wishing for someone’s happiness, I should also be able to search for my own happiness. I was sure that someday, I could smile with you again. That was why I said those words.

I won’t say goodbye. So for today, bye. See you again. 

My one and only.

My childhood friend.

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