In a World of Reversed Chastity, I’m Surrounded by a Clingy Older Woman, a Walking Red Flag, and an Exhausted Office Lady - 11

Chapter 11: The Regretful Languid Lady

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“I’m really the worst, aren’t I? I have no idea what kind of face I can make when I see Shirasu-kun again.”

Since yesterday, I had kept comforting myself over and over, fallen asleep as if passing out, and then once again thought about Shirasu-kun like this and comforted myself. My head had been filled with nothing but Shirasu-kun. No matter how I thought about it, I was such a strange person, and I had been so happy in front of Shirasu-kun that I showed him such an ugly, tear-stained face.

On top of that, even though Shirasu-kun had genuinely been worried about me and rubbed my back, I had him say kind words to me, had him rub my back, and felt things more intensely than ever in my life. I was such a pervert.

But still…

…I knew full well that I was at fault, but even so, Shirasu-kun was just a little…

…No, don’t you think he was pretty guilty too?

I mean, just a few days ago I had been so cornered that I was even thinking about suicide, and in just one day he encouraged me enough to make me think, “I want to live.” For that alone, I owed Shirasu-kun a debt I could never repay, and I was grateful. And from the perspective of a girl who would misunderstand things just because a boy talked to her, what he did felt like he was trying to make me misunderstand on purpose.

On top of that, yesterday, instead of being disappointed in me for being older yet completely unreliable, he even cleaned with me and cooked meals for me. Even though I was an unemployed, hopeless woman without a job, he treated me more kindly than anyone I had ever met. That was why, yesterday, I ended up doubting Shirasu-kun a little.

Because I thought that letting someone like me stay at his place, cleaning for me, and cooking for me… Surely there had to be some ulterior motive. At that time, I had remembered my ex-boyfriend’s words and actions. I thought that maybe what Shirasu-kun wanted was money.

『Because I wanted to get closer to a beautiful and lovely person like you, Yua-san.』

Those serious eyes. Those straightforward words without a single lie.

『That’s not true at all. I sincerely think you’re a beautiful person. Not just on the outside, but inside too.』

That smile of his blew away my anxiety and made me forget my foolish suspicions and the words of that trash-like man from my past. If someone did something like that, even the most aloof, high-and-mighty woman would fall for him. And since he was doing that to me, it was only natural that I’d cry until my face was a mess from happiness. So really, it was Shirasu-kun’s fault.

Even if I said it was Shirasu-kun’s fault, he’d probably just make a confused face, since he did all of that so naturally without even realizing it. Or maybe…

『Even if it’s my fault, please make sure you eat properly. Oh, and clean up too.』

—that was what he would probably say. Shirasu-kun did all of that naturally, he didn’t care about my money, and he was just genuinely worried about me.

…I understood that in my head, but no matter what, this restless, suffocating feeling wouldn’t go away. There was the option of going to see him and clearing up this frustration, but after telling him yesterday to wait just a little, I never went back. And if I saw his face, I felt like I wouldn’t be able to speak properly.

But wasting another day by comforting myself again wasn’t good either. When I looked around my room, wondering what to do, my eyes fell on the bass hanging on the wall.

…Rather than doing nothing like this, I felt like it would be better to throw this restless feeling and everything else into music. Besides, since I had been eating only one half-price supermarket bento a day until now, even though I said I didn’t have money, I had enough to live for about a year without doing anything.

Something I had once given up on and decided never to do again. Just one more time…I had gotten courage from Shirasu-kun. Maybe I’d try.

I turned on my computer, set up my amp, took the bass from the wall, finished all the preparations, and began immersing myself in my work.

“My stomach’s empty. I’m going to die… No. I might actually die.”

It seemed I had immersed myself in my work more than ever before; the only thing I had put in my mouth was water. Before I realized it, three days had passed with me working nonstop. Just as I finally reached a stopping point, hunger suddenly hit me all at once. I already knew there was nothing in the refrigerator.

Even though it was a hassle to move, I reluctantly changed out of my loungewear and went outside. When I checked the time, it was just past 9 p.m., barely within the supermarket’s business hours.

But even here, I remembered Shirasu-kun’s words and his face.

『Are you eating supermarket bentos again? You’ll ruin your health, you know? That’s not allowed.』

He would probably scold me like that.

…What was this? Maybe because I had spent the last three days thinking about Shirasu-kun and making a song for him, the resolution of the Shirasu-kun in my heart had increased, and he kept saying things that the real Shirasu-kun would definitely say.

Even while being scolded by the Shirasu-kun in my heart, I had no motivation to cook after working for three straight days. So, even as the Shirasu-kun in my heart looked at me with exasperation, I headed to the supermarket, bought my usual half-price bento, and took it to the register.

Even as I was checking out, the Shirasu-kun in my heart looked at me and said,

『Are you really sure about this?』

—but I pretended not to see him.

After all, he was just a projection I had created. My heart hurt, but desperate times called for desperate measures, so I apologized to the Shirasu-kun in my heart, bought the bento, and headed home.

Spacing out, I took a slight detour for a bit of a change of pace before returning to my apartment. Just as I arrived in front of the building, someone called out to me from behind.

“Ah, Yua-san. Good evening.”

Ain’t no way…

Thinking that, I turned around, and there stood Shirasu-kun in clothes meant for going out.

H-he’s so handsome.

Seeing Shirasu-kun’s face and outfit made my head spin, and it felt like some forbidden pleasure chemical was about to be released in my brain, but I desperately tried to compose myself.

“G-good evening, Shirasu-kun.”

I somehow managed to respond, but I wasn’t confident I could speak properly. As I flustered, Shirasu-kun looked at the plastic bag in my hand.

“Ah, supermarket bento again?”

“Uh, um…”

I hadn’t expected to hear that from the real, actually existing Shirasu-kun, so I hesitated over what excuse to give. I thought he might scold me like he did four days ago, but when I looked at him, he seemed about to say something, made a face as if holding himself back, and then said to me.

“Well, I guess it’s fine. Just… try not to eat too much of that, okay? See you.”

With that, he went into his apartment.

……………………………

…Huh?

…Th-that wasn’t the usual Shirasu-kun.

Normally, he would say:

『Supermarket bento again? I told you that’s not okay. Honestly… come to my place. I’ll cook right now.』

That was what he should have said. We hadn’t even known each other for a week yet, so he’d probably say I shouldn’t act like I knew him but no matter how I looked at it, that wasn’t the usual Shirasu-kun. He had made a face like he was holding something back. He looked like he wanted to say something but restrained himself.

…Could it be that he was fed up with me and abandoned me? Was he disgusted by my complete lack of domestic skills and life skills? What?

No. No, no, no, no. I don’t want that. No. I don’t. Don’t abandon me. Don’t be disgusted with me. Wait. Don’t go.

It felt like something precious was rapidly slipping away and falling out of me.

This is bad.

I couldn’t bear Shirasu-kun disappearing from my life now—being cast aside, being looked down on and abandoned. I couldn’t. I’d go back to being lifeless like before. I’d even start thinking I wanted to die again. He wouldn’t talk to me anymore. He wouldn’t worry about me. Of course he wouldn’t cook for me, and he wouldn’t show me that smile.

I suddenly fell into a hallucination of plunging straight down into that reality. The bag I had been holding dropped from my hand with a thud.

What should I do? What should I do so that Shirasu-kun won’t abandon me? So that he’ll show me that sun-like smile? Think. I have to think. Think, think, and after thinking and thinking…

M-maybe if I cook for Shirasu-kun, he’ll forgive me? If I can show him that I’m trying my best, maybe he won’t be disgusted with me. I have to do it. Me. I have to do it.

I picked up the convenience store bag that had slipped from my hand and placed it on the table inside my apartment.

When I checked the time, the supermarket was still barely open. I hurried back there, bought the ingredients for the only thing I could cook—omurice—and stood in front of the kitchen. Regret and tears threatened to overwhelm me as I wondered why I hadn’t done this from the start, but this was the result of choosing the easy way and ignoring the Shirasu-kun in my heart when he tried to stop me, so I had only myself to blame.

I’m going to change. For Shirasu-kun. If it’s for Shirasu-kun, I can change. I’ll show him I can change.

…So please, don’t abandon me.

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T/N: Man, I actually feel bad for all the FLs in this novel. I hope they can find their happiness…. (╥﹏╥)