Chapter 73 – Spam Mail and Singularities

The Temple of Lumbar Support had the best Wi-Fi in three dimensions.

Elizabeth’s cult headquarters looked like a gamer lounge designed by someone who’d watched too much HGTV. Bean bags. RGB lighting strips. A snack bar that never ran out of chips. Reclining chairs that actually supported your spine.

I sat in the center chair, controller in hand, eyes locked on the TV screen.

Level forty-seven. The platforming section. Three attempts in and I still couldn’t nail the jump timing.

“You’re going to die again.”

Thalia leaned over the back of my chair, her breath cold against my ear. She’d manifested physically today, wearing a black sundress that somehow looked both casual and threatening.

“Thanks for the vote of confidence.”

“I’m being honest, darling. Your reflexes are suboptimal.”

My character jumped. Missed the platform. Fell into the void. The death sound played.

I groaned.

“This game hates me.”

Thalia reached around and touched my glass of iced tea. Frost spread across the surface instantly. The ice cubes multiplied.

“Perfectly chilled. As you prefer.”

“You’re going to freeze my hand if you keep doing that.”

“Then let me hold the glass for you.”

She picked it up before I could argue. Her fingers brushed mine. The cold seeped through my skin like a reminder that my life was deeply weird.​

Elizabeth appeared on my other side, holding a decorative fan. She waved it with the intensity of someone performing a sacred duty.

“My Lord requires optimal airflow for peak performance.”

I glanced at her.

“Elizabeth, it’s sixty-eight degrees in here. I’m fine.”

“Comfort is not negotiable.”

The fan kept moving. Thalia kept holding my drink. I respawned at the checkpoint and tried the jump again.

Peaceful. Normal. Absolutely ridiculous.

Freya and three other Valkyries sat on bean bags nearby, watching me play like it was a spectator sport. One of them had a bag of popcorn.

“You’re gonna miss the ledge grab.”

“I know where the ledge is.”

I jumped. Grabbed. Made it.

The Valkyries cheered like I’d won the Super Bowl.

Ignis dozed in my hoodie pocket, tiny and warm. Nyx sat in the corner sharpening a new dagger, the sound rhythmic and oddly soothing. Unit 777 stood by the window, scanning the sky on autopilot.

This was fine. This was good. This was exactly the kind of boring evening I needed after the week from hell.

Then the sky exploded.

Not literally. But close enough that everyone froze.

A holographic projection ripped through the atmosphere above the city. It was massive. Building-sized. The kind of projection you couldn’t ignore even if you were underground.

Solomon’s face filled the sky.

He looked terrible. Hair disheveled. Eyes bloodshot. Armor dented. His expression carried the manic energy of a man who’d stopped sleeping three days ago.

In his hands, he held something glowing.

It looked like a tuning fork. A cosmic tuning fork. The prongs hummed with light that hurt to look at. Reality bent around it, warping like heat shimmer.

“KAI EVANS.”

His voice boomed across the city. Loud enough to rattle windows. Loud enough to make car alarms scream.

I paused my game.

“Oh, come on.”

Solomon’s projection leaned forward, wild and desperate.

“COME TO THE CENTER OF THE UNIVERSE OR I DELETE EXISTENCE.”

Thalia’s grip on my glass tightened. The ice cracked.

“He has a God-Killer artifact.”

Elizabeth stopped fanning. Her face went pale.

“That’s a Resonance Fork. It can unravel dimensional barriers.”

Freya dropped her popcorn.

“He’s insane.”

I stared at the projection. Solomon looked like a final boss who’d skipped all the cutscenes and went straight to the tantrum phase.

“Is he serious.”

Nyx stood, her voice flat.

“He’s holding it wrong. But yes. If he activates it, the cascade will destabilize local reality.”

Unit 777’s eyes flickered red.

“Threat assessment: Existential.”

I set the controller down. Carefully. Like it mattered.

“He’s going to ruin my save file.”

Thalia leaned closer, her voice soft and dangerous.

“Darling, he’s going to ruin existence.”

“That includes my save file.”

Solomon’s projection flickered. His voice rose higher, cracking at the edges.

“YOU HAVE ONE HOUR, DEMON. ONE HOUR OR EVERYONE YOU KNOW CEASES TO BE.”

The projection cut. The sky returned to normal. The city stayed silent for exactly three seconds before panic set in. Sirens wailed. People screamed. Traffic stopped.

I rubbed my face with both hands.

“I was so close to beating that level.”

【Adam PoV】

I was packing my bowling shirt when the sky started yelling.

The projection lit up the backyard like a second sun. Gaia looked up from the sandwich she was making, knife paused mid-slice.

“Is that Solomon.”

I leaned against the kitchen counter, arms crossed, grinning.

“Yep. That’s him. Little lord finally snapped.”

The projection showed Solomon holding the Resonance Fork like he’d just figured out how lightsabers worked. His face carried the exact expression of a man who’d run out of options and decided arson was the answer.

Gaia set the knife down. Her voice stayed calm. Too calm.

“That artifact can actually damage the universe.”

“Oh yeah. Big time. If he uses it wrong, whole sectors go pop.”

She turned to face me, eyes narrowing.

“And you’re smiling.”

I shrugged, still grinning.

“I’m proud of him. He grew a spine. Terrible timing, stupid reason, but still. Character development.”

Gaia crossed her arms. The plants in the kitchen leaned toward her like they were listening.

“Kai will have to go.”

“Yep.”

“You’re not going to help.”

“Nope.”

She tilted her head, the way she did when she was deciding whether to strangle me or kiss me. Usually both.

“Why.”

I pushed off the counter and walked to the window. The city lights flickered below. Somewhere out there, my son was probably sighing loud enough to crack glass.

“Because this is his mess now. His responsibility. His weird harem of eldritch nightmares and liberated war criminals.”

I pulled the bowling shirt out of the suitcase and held it up. It had flames on it. Tacky. Perfect.

“Besides, Solomon’s not wrong. Kai does need to show up. Kid’s been coasting on immunity and dad jokes. Time to see what he’s actually made of.”

Gaia’s expression softened. Just a little. Enough that I knew she agreed even if she wouldn’t say it.

“You think he’ll win.”

“Win? Honey, Kai doesn’t fight. He adopts. By the time this is over, Solomon’s gonna be in therapy and calling him ‘Lord of Emotional Validation’ or some nonsense.”

She smiled despite herself.

“You’re terrible.”

“I’m realistic.”

I folded the shirt and stuffed it back in the bag. The projection had cut off by now. The sky looked normal again. Peaceful. Like a man hadn’t just threatened omnicide on live broadcast.

“You think the Fork will actually go off.”

I shrugged.

“Fifty-fifty. Solomon’s dumb enough to try. Kai’s smart enough to stop him. But either way, it’s gonna be a show.”

Gaia returned to her sandwich, slicing through the bread with precision.

“We’re still going on vacation.”

“Absolutely. Retirement waits for no cosmic tantrum.”

I zipped the suitcase shut. My phone buzzed. A text from Kai. Three words.

“Dad. Seriously. Help.”

I typed back.

“You got this, champ. Don’t die. Love you.”

I turned the phone off before he could argue.

Gaia looked at me over her shoulder, one eyebrow raised.

“You’re really not going to help.”

“He’s got an army. He’s got immunity. He’s got the most overpowered support system in dimensional history. He’ll be fine.”

I grabbed my suitcase and headed for the door.

“Besides, if I show up, Solomon might actually wet himself. That’s no fun for anybody.”

Gaia followed me out, sandwich in hand. The night air smelled like rain and impending disaster.​

“Where are we going first.”

“Hawaii. They’ve got a dimension with eternal sunset and no apocalypses.”

“Sounds perfect.”

We walked into the driveway. My car sat there, old and loud and completely indestructible. I tossed the suitcase in the trunk.

Behind us, the city buzzed with panic. Sirens. Voices. The hum of a society realizing it might be deleted in under an hour.

I slid into the driver’s seat. Gaia sat beside me, still holding her sandwich.

“You’re proud of him.”

I started the engine. It roared to life.

“Yeah. I really am.”

【Kai PoV】

I stood up so fast the chair rolled backward and hit the wall.

The sigh that left my body was so loud, so deep, so full of exhausted resignation that one of the windows cracked.

“I guess we have to go.”

Thalia was already moving. Her dress shifted into armor made of ice and shadow. Her hair lifted like she’d stepped into a wind tunnel. Her eyes glowed.

“I will freeze his blood.”

Elizabeth slammed her fist on the table. The cult members in the room snapped to attention like soldiers.

“We march to war.”

Freya stood, popcorn forgotten. Her voice carried the fire of someone who’d been waiting for this.

“The Valkyries stand with you.”

Nyx’s shadows thickened. She looked at me, then at her repaired dagger, then back at me.

“I will cut his throat.”

Unit 777’s wings unfolded. Her voice was calm. Clinical.

“Lethal force authorized.”

Ignis woke up in my pocket. She stretched, yawned, then grew to full size in two seconds flat. The ceiling groaned. Her tail whipped once.

“I will incinerate his legacy.”

Loki appeared out of nowhere, grinning like this was Christmas.

“Kai, Kai, Kai, can I rig his fortress to play circus music, Kai.”

Sarah materialized beside the couch, eyes multiplying across her face.

“I will consume his fear.”

Esdeath stepped through the doorway, ice spreading across the floor with each step. Her voice was sharp. Eager.

“Finally. A proper fight.”

I looked at the army forming in my living space. Gods. Monsters. Valkyries. A cult leader. A malfunctioning android. A dragon in a sundress.

They were gearing up for war.

I walked to the door. Grabbed my shoes. Plain sneakers. Nothing special.

“Kai.”

Thalia’s voice stopped me.

“You’re not preparing.”

I tied my laces. Stood. Checked my pockets for my keys.

“I’m going to yell at a guy. I don’t need armor for that.”

Elizabeth looked horrified.

“My Lord, he has a universe-ending weapon.”

“He has a tantrum and a fancy fork.”

Nyx stepped closer, concern bleeding through her usual calm.

“He could kill you.”

“He could try. But he won’t. Because I’m going to walk in there, tell him he’s being ridiculous, and take the fork away.”

Ignis lowered her head until we were eye-level. Smoke curled from her nostrils.

“You are either very brave or very stupid.”

I patted her snout.

“Both. Definitely both.”

I opened the door. The night air hit my face. Cool. Crisp. The city glowed in the distance. Somewhere above it, Solomon was probably practicing his villain monologue.

“Let’s get this over with. I have a level to beat.”

The harem followed me out. An army of nightmares and devotion. All of them ready to kill for me.

I just wanted my save file back.​