Chapter 35 – Heavy Metal Delivery Service

【Loki PoV】

Stealing from Thor never gets old.

I phased through the reinforced walls of Sector Seven, my body flickering between dimensions like a bad hologram. Invisibility was one of my basic tricks, the kind of thing I could do in my sleep. The guards outside Thalia’s cell didn’t even blink as I slipped past their checkpoint.

Amateurs.

The hallway still smelled like ozone and burnt metal from whatever tantrum Thalia threw last week. Scorch marks decorated the walls in artistic patterns. Some of the titanium plating was warped like someone had grabbed it and twisted it into modern art.

I loved what she’d done with the place.

Thalia’s cell door had seventeen locks, all of them completely useless against someone who could rewrite the concept of locked versus unlocked. I simply decided the door was open and reality agreed with me.​

The door swung inward without a sound.

Thalia’s cell was exactly as extra as I remembered. Velvet furniture, impossible plants, books that would drive normal people insane just from reading the titles. She was sprawled on her ridiculous couch, the black dress riding up her thighs, her galaxy eyes staring at the ceiling like she was contemplating the heat death of the universe.​

Sulking, basically.

She hadn’t noticed me yet, too wrapped up in her own dramatic misery.

I crept closer, keeping my footsteps silent, my presence masked behind seven layers of don’t-look-here magic. In my hands I carried the most beautiful stolen property in the nine realms.

Mjölnir.

Thor’s hammer, the big dramatic paperweight he was always going on about. Uru metal, enchanted by Odin himself, blah blah worthiness, blah blah only the chosen can lift it.

I’d snatched it right off his nightstand while he was passed out after some mead-drinking contest.

The hammer was warm in my hands, humming with contained lightning. It wanted to go back to Thor, pulling slightly like a dog on a leash. I tightened my grip and told it to shut up.

Thalia shifted on the couch, sighing dramatically.

She was probably thinking about Kai, imagining him coming to visit, running through elaborate fantasy scenarios. It would’ve been sad if it wasn’t so pathetic.

Time to ruin her whole week.

I dropped the invisibility, letting myself snap back into visible reality with a theatrical shimmer.

Thalia’s head whipped around, her eyes narrowing.

“Loki.”

She said my name like it tasted bad.

I grinned, hefting Mjölnir in both hands.

“Hey bestie, brought you a present.”

She sat up, her posture going from lounging to predatory in half a second. Those galaxy eyes focused on the hammer, recognition sparking in their depths.

“That’s—”

“Mjölnir, yeah. Stole it from sleeping beauty about an hour ago. He’s probably just waking up and freaking out right now.”

I tossed the hammer up and caught it, the weight solid and reassuring.

Thalia’s expression shifted from confused to suspicious.

“Why are you here.”

Not a question, more like an accusation.

I tilted my head, letting my grin widen.

“Can’t a girl visit a friend? Share in some cosmic mischief? Bond over our mutual obsession with the same emotionally unavailable prison guard?”

“We are not friends.”

“Ouch, harsh. And here I thought we had something special.”

She stood up, the movement fluid and inhuman. Her hair moved like it was underwater, each strand curling independently.​

“Leave. Now.”

I spun Mjölnir in my hand, feeling the enchantment thrumming against my palm.

“But I came all this way to show you this cool trick I learned. See, this hammer has this enchantment on it. Worthiness clause. Only people Odin deems worthy can lift it.”

Thalia’s eyes narrowed further.

“I know what Mjölnir is, trickster.”

“Sure, sure, but here’s the fun part. To beings of pure chaos and void energy, beings like you, the hammer doesn’t just check for worthiness.”

I started walking toward her, slow and casual.

“It becomes conceptually heavy. Not physically heavy, conceptually. An anchor of divine order pressing against the fundamental nature of your existence.”

Thalia took a step back.

Smart girl.

“In other words, to something like you, this forty-pound hammer weighs about as much as a collapsing star.”

Understanding dawned in those cosmic eyes, followed immediately by panic.

She raised her hand, reality warping around her fingers as she prepared to blast me into another dimension.

Too slow.

I teleported the hammer directly onto her lap as she stood there.

The effect was instantaneous and absolutely hilarious.

Thalia dropped like someone cut her strings, crashing onto the couch with a shocked gasp. The hammer sat innocently on her thighs, not moving, not glowing, just existing.

She tried to stand.

Nothing happened.

Her legs didn’t move, pinned under impossible weight that didn’t match the hammer’s physical mass.

“What—”

She grabbed the handle with both hands, her fingers wrapping around the leather grip.

She pulled.

The hammer didn’t budge.

She pulled harder, her arms straining, muscles that could crack planets tensing with effort.

Mjölnir sat there like it was welded to the fabric of space-time.

“Get it off.”

Her voice was tight, controlled, the kind of calm that came right before volcanic rage.

I sat down on the armrest of her couch, crossing my legs.

“Can’t. Only the worthy can lift it, remember? And apparently cosmic void entities don’t make Odin’s nice list.”

Thalia’s eyes blazed, literally glowed brighter with fury.

She tried to teleport.

I watched with glee as her form flickered, trying to phase through dimensions, but the hammer anchored her to physical reality. She snapped back into place with a frustrated snarl.

“This is—”

“Unfair? Cruel? Absolutely hilarious?”

I leaned forward, resting my chin on my hand.

“I prefer hilarious.”

She gathered energy in her palm, void energy that looked like concentrated darkness shot through with stars. She blasted the hammer point-blank.

The energy absorbed into the metal like water into sand.

Mjölnir hummed, looking somehow smug for an inanimate object.

Thalia tried again, pouring more power into the blast. The room temperature dropped, frost forming on the walls. Reality itself started to crack around the edges.​

The hammer absorbed everything she threw at it.

I watched her cycle through about fifteen different attack strategies in thirty seconds. Void blasts, reality tears, spatial compression, temporal loops. Nothing worked. The hammer just sat there, a perfect counter to everything she was.

Finally she stopped, breathing hard, glaring at me with enough hatred to atomize a solar system.

“You. Did. This.”

“Guilty as charged.”

I stood up, brushing imaginary dust off my jeans.

“See, here’s the thing, Thalia. You and Esdeath, you both tried the direct approach. Power moves, intimidation, authority. Super predictable, honestly.”

I walked around the couch, examining my handiwork from different angles.

“But me? I play the long game. I remove pieces from the board before they even know they’re playing.”

Thalia struggled again, trying to shift the hammer even an inch.

It didn’t move.

“When Kai finds out—”

“When Kai finds out, he’ll be annoyed at me for maybe ten minutes, then he’ll move on because that’s what Kai does.”

I crouched down next to the couch, getting eye level with her.

“But you? You’re going to be stuck under this thing until Thor comes to collect it. Could be hours, could be days. Asgardians are notoriously bad at keeping track of their magic items.”

Her expression promised violence, the kind of creative torture that would make normal people go insane.

Too bad I wasn’t normal people.

“You’re unworthy, Thalia. The hammer said so. How’s it feel?”

She lunged at me, or tried to. The hammer kept her pinned, her upper body straining forward while her lower half stayed locked in place.

I booped her on the nose.

She made a sound like a kettle boiling over.

“Enjoy your new paperweight. I’ve got a holy war to orchestrate and some Asgardian diplomats to gaslight.”

I stood up and headed for the door.

Behind me I heard Thalia screaming, not words exactly, more like pure frustrated rage given voice. Furniture started floating, the impossible plants withered and reformed, frost spread across every surface.

The hammer didn’t move.

I paused in the doorway, looking back one more time.

Thalia was pulling at the hammer with both hands, her face twisted in fury, her galaxy eyes blazing bright enough to hurt.

She looked absolutely ridiculous.

I took a mental picture for later.

“Oh, one more thing.”

She stopped struggling long enough to glare at me.

“The enchantment gets heavier the more you fight it. So maybe just relax and enjoy the quality time with Mjölnir. Really get to know each other.”

“I will end you.”

“Yeah, yeah, get in line.”

I slipped out of the cell, pulling the door shut behind me.

The seventeen locks engaged automatically, sealing her inside with her new best friend.

I could hear her screaming even through the reinforced walls, the sound muffled but still impressively loud.

The guards at the checkpoint looked at me as I walked past.

I gave them a cheerful wave.

“She’s having a moment. Probably best to leave her alone for a few hours.”

They nodded, looking relieved they had permission to not deal with whatever was happening in there.

I strolled down the corridor, hands in my pockets, whistling a jaunty tune.

Phase One, complete. Elizabeth and her cult were mobilizing for a holy war against imaginary invaders.

Phase Two, complete. Asgard was about to send confused diplomats into a militarized religious blockade.

Phase Three, just finished. Thalia was pinned under an unliftable hammer, effectively removed from the game board.

That left Esdeath, but she was predictable. She’d try to take control of the situation, impose order, make demands. Kai would tell her no and she’d sulk in her ice palace.

Not a real threat.

The board was clearing nicely, leaving just me and Kai and whatever chaos erupted when all my carefully placed dominoes started falling.

I phased through the wall into my own cell, dropping onto my couch with a satisfied sigh.

Tomorrow was going to be absolutely unhinged.

Kai was going to wake up to a city under lockdown, a diplomatic incident brewing with Asgard, and his most powerful inmate trapped under a Norse artifact.

And he’d have no idea I was behind any of it.

I conjured a fresh bowl of popcorn and settled in to watch the chaos unfold.

Being the goddess of mischief was lowkey the best job in the multiverse.