Volume 4 Chapter 97: Criminal Acts

This is the worst. Absolutely the worst.

Here I am, clutching my head with my bare rear exposed for the world to see.

If Alice knows about this situation, then it’s almost certain that she orchestrated the whole thing.

“How was the ice cream? Did you enjoy your laxative ice cream?”

“Why would you do something like this?”

Seriously, why? Do you have any idea how much of a living hell I’ve been through because of this? Of course you do—everything seems to have gone just as you planned. Damn it, I can feel murderous intent boiling up inside me.

“And how exactly did you get laxatives into the ice cream?”

“You’ve got Unit 1 right there, don’t you? They took care of it.”

The fact that she’s answering me means this earring isn’t just a one-way communication device—it’s capable of two-way conversations. It’s undoubtedly one of Alice’s handcrafted magical tools. How convenient of her to create such a thing.

But more importantly…

“Unit 1?”

“That would be me.”

“Oh, uh, hi.”

The reply came from the man who, as always, seems to be standing just outside the stall.

So, he’s the one who did it. But what’s this “Unit 1” business? And when did he even slip laxatives into the ice cream? I got my ice cream directly from the vendor and didn’t hand it off to anyone else. Fiona, for some reason, had insisted on having mine even though it was the same flavor, but in the end, everyone ate their own portion. In hindsight, I’m glad I didn’t share mine with anyone else.

Which means the only person who could’ve tampered with the ice cream was…

“Um… do you run an ice cream stand, by any chance?”

“Just this once.”

“Ah, I see.”

The vendor, of course. Damn it.

I’m a jerk, but even I think this guy’s the worst.

So, the entire ice cream stand was set up just to trap me? Maybe she’s even tampered with other vendors’ stalls. After all, there’s no guarantee we’d even eat that ice cream. If that’s the case, she went to outrageous lengths just to mess with me.

And the fact that there’s no toilet paper? She must have removed it in advance. Damn it.

Taking a deep breath, I address the damnable Alice.

“What’s your goal here?”

“You know, don’t you?”

I don’t know.

“You’ve got two choices right now.”

Alice’s voice is practically dripping with glee as she lays this out. I can already tell it’s something horrible. Two choices? What else can I even do right now besides wiping myself?

“You can either officially become Alice-chan’s servant, or show your filthy rear to the townsfolk.”

“What?”

“If you agree to be Alice-chan’s servant, Unit 1 will hand you some paper. If you refuse—”

I gulp nervously and ask cautiously.

“What happens if I refuse…?”

“Unit 1 will destroy the toilet.”

Hey.

Hey, wait a second.

What kind of absurd threat is that? Go get arrested already.

Sweat starts pouring down my body as I listen to Alice’s deranged proposition.

Normally, destroying a toilet in the middle of town would make you a criminal. But judging by how confident she sounds, she’s already made arrangements to avoid trouble herself.

If the toilet is destroyed, the only one in deep trouble will be me.

Even I, with my lack of pride, can’t stomach the idea of exposing my unclean rear to the citizens of the Capital City of Elist. No one could endure such a thing. If that happened, I’d never be able to live in this city again.

This is coercion. Pure, inescapable coercion.

“Uh… Unit 1-san?”

“What is it?”

“Could it be that Unit 1 is…?”

“I’m Alice-chan’s servant, Fan Club Number One.”

Why do you sound so proud of that?

“By the way, single-digit numbers are veteran members who even know the real me. But Noil, I’ll give you a special spot, separate from them.”

That doesn’t make me happy at all.

Also, what’s this about a fan club? Is Alice some kind of idol?

Well, I suppose high-ranking miners do have an idol-like following. Actually, I’ve heard Spirit Wind has quite a lot of fans too.

“Does that mean the members of Azure Doll are…?”

“My servants. They’re Alice-chan’s personal guard.”

Oh… so that’s what she meant by “captain.”

I’d always wondered what kind of people Alice’s companions were, but instead of gathering teammates, she’s just assembled a party of servants. That’s so like Alice. Utterly and completely Alice.

I shouldn’t have bothered giving her a gift.

“Sigh… Give me back the slime beauty serum.”

“Huh? What’re you talking about?”

“I sent some slime beauty serum to the Azure Doll party house… so give it back.”

“Kuhihi, was that a tribute to me? How thoughtful of you!”

No, it wasn’t a tribute. It was just a token of appreciation. But whatever—just give it back.

“If it’s a tribute to Alice-chan, send it to my mansion next time, not some pigsty.”

“Pigsty…?”

“The party house is only for my servants. There’s no way Alice-chan would live in a stinking pigsty full of pigs. I live in a different mansion. Remember that.”

“…”

Honestly, Alice needs someone to knock some sense into her.

Calling her party members, who not only fight alongside her but also admire her as fans, “servants” and “pigs” is just too much. Someone really needs to set her straight.

And of course, I don’t want to be treated like that either.

I’m pretty much cornered here, but I decide to resist as carefully as I can without provoking her further.

“Um… instead of a servant, can’t I just be, like, a friend or something?”

“Huh? Do you even understand the situation you’re in? You think you’re in a position to suggest something like that?”

“Ah, right. Of course.”

Exactly. I get it.

But listen, I want to be treated like a human being.

I’m human, which is why I want to wipe my own rear, you know?

…I don’t even know what I’m saying anymore.

I let out a small sigh.

“Don’t worry. You’re special. Even if you won’t be Alice-chan’s equal, I’ll give you better treatment than the other pigs. I’ll even let you live in the same mansion as me.”

“Yeah, um… that’d feel kind of unfair to the other fans, so…”

“Don’t worry about that. The pigs won’t complain about any decision I make.”

I doubt that.

If I were a fan of someone, and they singled out one person for special treatment, I wouldn’t be thrilled about it. It’s not unreasonable to think others would feel resentful. And then they’d probably bully the person getting the special treatment.

In this case, that’d be me.

“Um… Unit 1-san?”

“What?”

“Wouldn’t you hate it if Alice treated someone else as special?”

“If Alice-chan chooses someone, we have no complaints. A true fan wishes for Alice-chan’s happiness above all else. And we are true fans.”

“Ah, right. Got it.”

Damn it.

They’re completely brainwashed.

What is this? Another cult?

“Why are you going this far to make me your servant? Is it just to make Elle jealous?”

“That’s part of it, of course… but the main reason is that I like you.”

Why? How? How did we get here?

“Why?”

When I ask, Alice lets out an exasperated sigh.

“You don’t understand your own worth, do you? You have the power to bring down even the Floating City Pharmament, yet you don’t value yourself at all. What’s wrong with you?”

“Well… that was mostly…”

…thanks to the Manager’s power.

Honestly, I was just along for the ride. Like the random garnish on top of a steak. That’s me.

Even with the Magis Gear, it was the power of Sextet—everyone else, really. Without borrowing someone else’s strength, I can’t fight properly.

I have a clear understanding of my own worth.

I appreciate Alice’s high opinion of me, but I’d rather not have her place such odd expectations on me.

“You’re going to say it was that woman’s power, right?”

“If you know that, then—”

“Hahh… listen carefully, you idiot.”

“Ah, yes.”

“I said I like you. And Alice-chan’s favorites are never worthless, you fool.”

She just called me a fool.

“Stop putting yourself down. Stop living such a pathetic life. You’re someone worth valuing. That’s why I want you.”

“…I…”

“If you keep whining, I’ll teach you your worth myself. Stick with Alice-chan, and you’ll change. You’ll make a name for yourself in the world. That’s why, Noil—become my servant.”

Her words were harsh, but there was a strange sincerity to them. She really does seem to see some kind of value in me.

When I think about it, the people around me always seem to hold me in high regard.

Maybe… maybe I should value myself a little more.

Honestly, her words made me happy. Alice clearly has some kind of charisma. It’d be a lie to say I didn’t find her compelling.

But even so, I don’t want to be her servant.

Alice is making a huge mistake.

I absolutely don’t want to leave a mark on the world.

I have no ambition. As long as I can live a comfortable life, that’s enough for me. If she offered to take care of me instead, I’d gladly call her “Alice-sama,” but…

Yeah, I’m definitely right about myself.

I’m a small-minded, insignificant person, through and through.

She called my way of life boring, but this is what suits me best.

Because I’m just a useless human being.

“Sorry, but I don’t want to be your servant.”

“What?! Are you seriously choosing to expose your dirty rear over becoming Alice-chan’s servant?!”

“I’m not going to expose it.”

“Huh?”

I’ve already made up my mind.

I don’t want to be a servant. I don’t want to expose my filthy rear to anyone either.

So, what am I going to do?

The answer is simple.

Really, Alice has completely overestimated my value.

To avoid trouble, I’ll do whatever it takes.

With a cool smile, I make my move.

“I’m telling you, Alice—”

“W-What…?”

Alice’s voice faltered. She clearly didn’t expect me to show any resolve in this situation. That’s her mistake.

“I’m far more… pathetic than you think.”

That’s right. If it means escaping trouble, I’m perfectly willing to stoop lower than a human being.

I slowly stood up.

“H-Hey… don’t tell me you’re going to—”

Alice’s trembling voice echoed through the earring as I reached for my pants and underwear.

“Sorry. Goodbye.”

I whispered softly to those I was about to part ways with.

“Stop it, hey! Do you even realize what you’re doing?!”

“I do.”

I know full well.

This is the best choice I can make right now.

It’s a choice only someone as insignificant and pathetic as me could make.

That choice… is to not wipe.

At this moment, I abandon my humanity.

By doing so, I destroy Alice’s entire scheme.

Her mistake was overestimating my worth. She thought I had some shred of dignity left. Big mistake.

“I’m giving up on being human.”

“Think it over! And seriously, do you hate the idea of being my servant that much, you idiot?! You’re such a damn idiot!”

“This may sound strange, but… please remember the man I once was, back when I was still human.”

“Are you an idiot?! Seriously, are you a complete idiot?!”

I closed my eyes and exhaled deeply.

Strangely, I felt at peace.

At this moment, there was nothing left to fear.

Just as I prepared to pull my pants back up—

“That’s enough.”

A voice—not Alice’s—came through the earring.

At the same time, a piece of paper fluttered down from the gap above the stall.

The paper floated gently before my eyes, and I instinctively grabbed it.

A single tear rolled down my cheek.

Ah… oh… paper!

“Wh-What the—?! The Spirit King?! How the hell did you get in here?!”

“Alice, we need to talk.”

While clutching the paper like it was the Holy Grail, I heard the conversation through the earring. It seemed Elle had appeared on Alice’s end. She was probably the one who sent the paper.

Ah… oh… God!

I didn’t know how Elle figured out what was happening, but she had saved me.

As I wiped, I silently offered her my eternal gratitude.

“Talk…? Wait… no, don’t…! You… no! Don’t you dare! Don’t you dare use that!”

“Do you know what this is, Alice?”

“H-Hey… no, not that…! Don’t… I’m serious, stop…! STOP IT!!!”

As Alice’s screams faded, I flushed the toilet. The sound of running water drowned out her cries. I didn’t know what was happening on her end, but I felt fantastic.

Opening the stall door, I stepped out.

“…”

A large, bald man wearing sunglasses and a suit was sprawled on the floor. Judging by his appearance, this was Unit 1. When he was disguised as the ice cream vendor, he’d worn a flashy shirt, glasses, and long hair. I guess that was all part of his disguise.

Not that it mattered.

“Noil.”

Ignoring Unit 1, I washed my hands as Elle’s voice came through the earring. I’d forgotten I was still wearing it.

“Ah, Elle. Thank you so much for saving me. What happened to Alice?”

“She ran into the restroom.”

“I see…”

I hope there’s paper.

“Did Letto-kun tell you what was happening?”

“No.”

“Then how…?”

“After returning to my room, I used my spirits to check on you.”

“Wait.”

I froze, hands still under the faucet.

“You were in trouble, so I intervened.”

“Hold on. That’s not okay.”

I mean, I was in the bathroom.

My lower half was completely exposed.

You were watching? Isn’t that a crime?

“Hmm? Did I do something wrong?”

“Yeah, you think?!”

“I’m sorry, but I don’t understand what you’re upset about…”

“Do you know that spying on someone is a crime?”

“Of course. It’s an act that should be punished.”

Then why isn’t Elle being punished?

The world truly is a strange place.

While I was pondering this injustice, I heard her gasp, as if she’d just realized something.

“Wait… Noil, are you accusing me of committing a crime?”

“Yeah, that’s exactly what I’m saying.”

What else could it be? Why do you sound so shocked?

“That’s incorrect, Noil.”

“Oh, really?”

“What I was doing wasn’t spying.”

“Oh, is that so?”

“Yes. After all, isn’t it natural to want to see everything about someone you love?”

Wanting to see someone in the bathroom is not natural. Feel free to destroy that part of nature.

“Besides, a wife has the right and duty to always watch her husband. So, this wasn’t spying.”

“Oh, I see.”

“Do you understand now?”

“Ah, yes.”

As I left the public restroom, I decided to ask Mina to deal with Elle’s criminal behavior.