I Risked My Life To Save The Cheeky Girl, And As A Result, I Lost My Right Arm. - Chapter 2.1: Ways Of Atonement. (Part 1)

Ways Of Atonement. (Part 1)

Clink, clink, clink.

I held the spoon in my left hand, eating the stew with clumsy movements.

Using a special table, I was able to eat while still lying in the hospital bed. It was a small, white table, much like the ones you often see on trains or airplanes.

Nom, munch.

After the stew, I grabbed a piece of rice flour bread and took a bite. Since I didn’t have my right hand, I couldn’t tear it with both hands, so I had no choice but to bite into it directly.

But it was much easier to eat this way than if I had to use chopsticks or a knife. I could tell the hospital had taken this into consideration.

Still, I would need to start practicing using chopsticks with my left hand soon.

“…Thank you for the meal.”

After finishing, I had the nurse take the dishes away and kept the table to study.

But this wasn’t high school-level studying. I was using a beginner’s Hiragana workbook for preschoolers, just tracing the character ha.

Ugh, kuh…

I couldn’t write it as I intended, the characters ended up all crooked. Writing with my non-dominant hand was much harder than I had imagined. Even a simple pencil felt strangely heavy.

Sigh.

Writing the character ha ten times was exhausting.

Before the accident, I could have done it effortlessly. It wasn’t even something I thought about—it was easy. Now, I couldn’t even do something so simple, and frustration built up inside me.

“………………”

I noticed tears starting to well up at the corners of my eyes.

I never imagined I’d cry because I couldn’t write Hiragana.

I’d often seen depictions in manga and anime of heroes losing their arms while saving others, but I hadn’t realized just how difficult it would be. I felt the weight of it deeply now.

It’s far harder to live with the loss than to face the pain of losing an arm. The reality that I must continue living without it felt heavy on my back.

(…Was this really the right choice? Wasn’t there a better way?)

It was pointless to think about it now, but I couldn’t stop myself from wondering.

I was ashamed that I couldn’t fully say I was glad Hasegawa was safe and that I had no regrets, even after losing my arm.

I kept thinking about how, if only Hasegawa had been more careful with the car, or if the car had been just a little slower… I kept imagining countless “what if” scenarios.

“………………”

I paused, stopping the movement of my pencil. I took a deep breath, then exhaled heavily.

Creek.

Suddenly, the door to the hospital room opened. I quickly looked up, wiping the tears that had gathered in the corner of my eyes, then checked who had entered.

It was Hasegawa.

She was still wearing her school uniform, as if she had just come from class. She was holding a white paper bag in her right hand.

“…Hasegawa.”

“………………”

She stared at me intently.

Her expression was unusually harsh. She was furrowing her brows, biting her lips.

Hahaha! Senpai, you’re so uncool!

I had always known Hasegawa as the one who teased me with that playful, cheeky laugh, so seeing her expression like this was truly heart-wrenching. Just the other day, she had been slapped by her mother…

“…Hey, Hasegawa. On your way home from school?”

I closed the workbook and tried to smile at her. I was aware that my smile was awkward. My lips didn’t curve up properly, and the words didn’t flow easily.

But still, I made an effort to smile. It felt like the least I could do for her, as she came to visit me. I wanted to appear as cheerful as possible for her sake.

“…Senpai, this.”

“Hmm?”

She extended her hand and showed me the paper bag.

“This… um, it’s fruit. Like mandarins, apples, that sort of thing.”

“Oh, I see. Just leave it over there.”

I pointed to a small shelf beside my bed, and Hasegawa placed the bag there as directed.

“Thanks for the fruit. I’ll have some later.”

“…That’s not it.”

“Huh?”

“I didn’t buy it myself. It’s just something Mom gave me to bring for you…”

“………………”

“Um, Senpai, is it okay if I sit in this chair?”

Hasegawa glanced at the small round chair by the bed and asked. When I nodded with a “Yeah, of course,” she hesitantly sat down on it.

“………………”

She rested her fists on her knees, looking down. The fists were clenched tightly, trembling slightly.

Her intense tension made me feel uneasy, and I found myself fidgeting too.

The air was cold and heavy, like it had frozen. I considered trying to break the silence with small talk, but it felt like the kind of situation where I couldn’t just say something like that.

“………………”

Watching Hasegawa slump over like that was difficult, so I shifted my gaze to the window.

The trees were swaying in the wind. Dry leaves were falling from the branches one after another, carried off by the breeze.

Clink, clink, clink…

Even the window frame, touched by the wind, made a faint sound.

“…hurt?”

At that moment, Hasegawa suddenly spoke up. I quickly turned my gaze to her and asked, “Sorry, what did you say?”

She lifted her face just a little, looking up at me as she asked, “Does your arm hurt?”

“My arm… Well, it’s not painful anymore, but… sometimes I get these weird sensations.”

“Weird sensations?”

“It gets itchy.”

“Huh?”

“My ‘right arm,’ the one that’s not there anymore, feels itchy.”

“………………”

“When I asked the doctor, he said it’s called phantom limb pain. When you lose a limb in an accident, the place where it used to be can still hurt or itch, even though it’s gone.”

“………………”

“At first, right after the accident, the area around my shoulder where my right arm used to be was unbearably painful. It felt like my skin and flesh were burned away. It was maddening. You can’t suppress the pain from something that doesn’t even exist. I screamed in bed for hours from the unending pain.”

“………………”

Hasegawa lowered her face again.

Ah, I messed up. I shouldn’t have said that. It’s no use making her feel more guilty than she already does.

…No, this is probably just me venting my frustration. Watching Hasegawa crushed like this, I’m probably using it as a way to release some of my own emotions. I’m a terrible person.

“…Hey, Senpai.”

“Yeah?”

“…If I die, is that okay?”

“Huh? D-die?”

“Yeah.”

“…Uhm, what do you mean by that?”

“…If I die, will you forgive me?”

“………………”

Hasegawa’s entire body was shaking. Though her face was hidden as she looked down, I could feel, painfully, what kind of emotions she was experiencing.

Regret from the harsh words I had spoken earlier weighed on me, so I tried to speak to her in as gentle a tone as possible.

“…Hey, Hasegawa, sure, I… well, I ended up in this situation, but that doesn’t mean I want you to go through the same kind of pain.”

“………………”

“We both survived. So… isn’t that enough for now?”

“………………”

“I’m just glad you’re okay.”

“………………”

“………………”

“…Stop it.”

“Huh?”

“Stop it, Senpai…”

Muttering to herself, Hasegawa finally lifted her face.

Her face was covered in tears, her lips twisted in a tight frown, and her brows furrowed as deeply as they could.

“Don’t be so nice to me like that!!”

“………………”

“Say something like, ‘Die,’ or ‘Disappear.’ Yell at me, tell me that it’s because of me that you lost your right arm!!”

“…Hasegawa.”

“Uuughh!! Aaahhhh!!”

Hasegawa’s cries echoed through the hospital room.

Her voice shook so violently that I feared her throat might burn from the intensity of her sobs.