I Hope You’re Still Alive When Tomorrow Comes - 21

Chapter 21: Heartless

ーーーーーーーーーーーーーーーーーーーー

Nanami lifted her face and looked straight at me. Her face was a mess, she looked like she was going to cry at any moment. I had seen her crying face plenty of times, enough to be tired of them. However, for some reason, I felt like I had never seen this expression of hers before. For a moment, I felt like choking on my own breath. 

“You think I can’t do anything on my own. No matter how hard I try, it’s futile.”

“I mean, that’s true, isn’t it?”

I quickly retorted back in response to her words that sounded like accusation. I could see she was getting even more agitated as she glared at me. Her breathing became labored. 

“But you haven’t actually achieved anything, right? It’s true that you can’t do anything on your own.”

“But I’m trying my best!!”

Nanami charged back without a pause. She raised her right hand to clutch her bangs tightly. 

“Why won’t you acknowledge it?! I’m not the same as I was in the past! My body has gotten stronger! I’ve been able to participate in all of the student council activities without fail! I’m usually fine during physical education class too. I just happened to feel a bit off, but this only happens maybe only once out of ten times.”

“Like I said before, this is why I told you to sit it out. Even if it’s only once out of ten times, you still end up getting sick. I’ve told you this over and over again, so why can’t you understand my point?”

“But why? If I do as you say then, I won’t be able to do anything in the future.”

“It’s-“

It’s okay even if you can’t do anything.

I was shocked by the words that almost escaped my lips. The still remaining, albeit small, rational part of my mind stopped me from saying that out loud. After all, that would be… 

“Getting sick once out of ten times is not that big of a deal. Even if I get feverish at night, it’s not that bad either. It’s proof that I can actually push through it if I try. Besides, just sitting out during physical education class is harder on me.”

“I don’t get it. Why do you need to go so far over physical education class?”

“Kan-chan, you don’t get it because you have a healthy body. You’ve always been able to participate in physical education class. Doing that much is nothing for you. Always been.”

There was a hint of resentment laced in Nanami’s retort. 

“Huh??”

My tone became increasingly sharp every time I talked back to her. 

“You said that I’m the one that doesn’t get it? What’s that supposed to mean?”

“The feeling when you’re sitting alone, watching everyone from the sidelines… The sudden realization that you’re the only broken one. That’s something you would never understand, Kan-chan. Because you’re not broken.”

“Then? That guy…”‘

When I spoke, I noticed my breathing had become slightly labored too.

“Does Hiwatari understand? About that feeling?”

“He does.”

Her response was immediate. There was no hint of hesitation in nit. She kept glaring at me, maintaining her defiant gaze as she continued.

“Suguru-kun understands. He understands the loneliness and the pain I feel. That’s why he tells me to do my best. He watches over me as I strive.”

“….That-“

That kind of thing, anyone can do that if they don’t know about how weak your body is. That guy, he doesn’t know. Precisely because he doesn’t know that he can act irresponsibly and push her forward. That’s not kindness. He’s actually pushing her off a cliff.

“Suguru-kun was the one who invited me to join the student council. Suguru-kun… Suguru-kun…”

Nanami continued on, she looked like she was holding something, something very dear and close to her heart. 

“He changed my world. He showed me that I can do all those things. That I can do my best. He treats me like his equal.”

“…What’s that supposed to mean?”

I clenched my fists tightly at my sides. If I didn’t, I felt like I might lash out unintentionally.

“Are you saying that I don’t see you like my equal?”

“You don’t.”

Nanami furrowed her eyebrows together. She looked like she was in pain as she lowered her gaze. 

“Because… Kan-chan, you…”

She bit her lips before continuing. 

“…You’ve always looked down on me. Always.”

Her voice was heavy with accusation, seemingly destroying everything I had built up so far. 

“I know that you’ve always helped me because you feel I’m pitiful. Isn’t that right, Kan-chan? You don’t like it when I’m trying to do my best. Because you think I’m not capable of anything.”

Nanami kept her gaze down, her eyelashes trembling, as if she was hurt by the words she uttered herself.

“Being with Kan-chan feels stifling. I feel like you’re always pointing out the things I can’t do. Don’t do this, don’t do that, it’s like you’re calling me stupid and weak. Like I’m a useless human being.”

Her eyes gradually turned red. The moment I saw that, I felt a chilling sense of foreboding.

“….What’s that supposed to mean?”

Indeed. For fifteen years. I had been helping Nanami with things she couldn’t do. I thought that was my role. Helping her with things she couldn’t do. Hence why, I intended to continue doing my duty. Like it was something I was supposed to do all along. I didn’t even hesitate to choose the same high school as Nanami. In my head, I already had a clear vision of our future. Me, being by Nanami’s side, helping her. 

I always thought there was no need for Nanami to do things that were hard for her to accomplish. It was alright if there were things she couldn’t do. After all, I would be by her side. When Nanami was struggling, I would be there to help her. I would be the one doing it for her, helping her. I believed I would keep doing this forever. 

Because… In this way…

Nanami… Nanami wouldn’t be able to leave me.

“I already know. Kan-chan… You… You feel relieved when I’m like this. A broken body, a dull mind, a girl who can’t do anything on her own. I know having someone like me by your side makes you feel good. That’s why you never support me when I want to do something. You don’t want me to change. You want me to remain as I am now forever, so you can look down on me. So you can revel in a sense of superiority. That’s why…”

I couldn’t hear the rest of Nanami’s words. My mind went completely blank. I couldn’t think straight. By the time I realized it, I was reaching my hand out to her. I grabbed her slender shoulders as she kept her gaze down. She felt fragile under my touch, as if her bones would break if I put more force into it. 

Still trembling, Nanami lifted her face to look at me. Her face was a mess, she looked like she was ready to cry at any given moment. 

“I…”

Without averting her gaze, Nanami forced her words out. Her lips trembled. Her voice came out strained. 

“I want to be equal with you, Kan-chan… Always… More…”

She continued speaking although her breathing became ragged. Tears spilled freely from her bloodshot eyes…

“…Like normal… Childhood friends..”

Her words faltered there, disappearing. Nanami’s throat seemed to tighten, she was wheezing for air. Her right hand raised, she tightly gripped her chest. She curled her back. Her shoulders were shaking heavily from distress. 

“Nanami-!”

Startled, I unconsciously let my hand go. I knew this. I had seen this before. I also knew how to deal with this. I had dealt with this before and I handled it well that time. I remembered that, I remembered what I needed to do, but for some reason, I couldn’t move. It was as if I was bound on my feet, unable to take a step. 

Nanami kept on taking short, ragged breaths. She was suffocating, clearly in distress. For some reason, she looked so distant, out of my reach. I stood there, bewildered and at a loss when suddenly, the door to the infirmary was slammed open. 

Hiwatari came rushing in and for some reason, Kiho was also there behind him. With swift, quick steps, Hiwatari sat down next to Nanami and pulled her head towards his chest as if the motion came to him naturally. He whispered something into Nanami’s ear and slowly stroked her back. 

Nanami’s breathing gradually stabilized, following the motion of Hiwatari’s hand. 

Everything played out smoothly. There was no hint of hesitation or panicking. As if Hiwatari had become accustomed to this. 

On the other hand, Kiho had disappeared without anyone noticing. It seemed she had gone to call the school nurse.

It didn’t take long for her to return with the nurse. But by then, Nanami’s breathing had almost completely settled down. 

Hiwatari and the nurse were talking about something. I couldn’t understand them. Their words came out indescribable, it was as if I was separated by a thick membrane. It felt strange. I could see Kiho staring at me, the concern was evident in her face. However, she felt distant. Like she was standing in a far away place even though she was actually close by.

I stood there, my gaze locked on Nanami’s hand. Her small, fragile hands were gripping onto the hem of Hiwatari’s jersey. Like the motion came naturally to her, like even under her subconsciousness, she was seeking for Hiwatari.

I couldn’t do anything. I was stuck in my spot, like I was watching a movie in a daze. 

Ah…

I thought to myself. 

I think.. I… 

I want to die.

ーーーーーーーーーーーーーーーーーーーー