Vol 1 Chapter 33 – Realistically Speaking, Light Novels Are Kind of Insane

“Utaki, what is that?”

“Pesticide.”

“Pest-i-side?”

“Are insects not a thing here?”

“They exist, but there’s no need to kill them.”

Apparently, in this world, bugs are cheerful little friends you go teehee and ahaha at. Right, yeah. Makes sense. Princesses have songbirds land on their fingers and befriend ladybugs and all that. It’s that kind of world. Got it, got it.

“Those things look almost exactly like cockroaches back home. If a female burns, the smoke carries pheromones and draws in the males.”

“…That sounds like a vision of hell. I don’t even want to picture it. Does that smoke only affect insects?”

“More or less. Though I’d still recommend not inhaling it.”

“Perfect. Then get in there and spray yourself, weakling.”

“I don’t mind you trying to kill me, but can you at least put some effort into it?”

Titania keeps looking for excuses to get rid of me, but this is just lazy.

“H-hey — what’s happening?! Excuse me! What are you all doing?! What do you think you’re pulling, Mr. Hero?!”

That girl in command — Fia, she said her name was. From the waist up, she’s genuinely cute, and she’s got a great figure — honestly, pretty much my type. From the waist down, she’s a spider.

I mean, that whole genre exists, right? Monster girls and all that. The fan art is charming, I’ll give it that.

The problem is that the most recent spider-type monster I encountered was from Dark Souls, so I’d rather keep my distance. If she were Scylla-type — you know, octopus from the waist down — that would’ve been a marginal improvement. I’m pretty sure the spider half is an Ashidaka* variety, which puts her above cockroaches in the hierarchy. I’m not going to verify that.

[TL note: The Ashidaka-gumo (Heteropoda venatoria) is a large huntsman spider native to Japan, sometimes kept as a natural pest controller.]

“Cough, cough — ugh, it hurts… Poison smoke?! You’re supposed to be a hero! Come at me with that mace, face to face like a proper warrior!”

“Sorry. I’m just not the burning-justice type.”

“You might be the most underhanded hero in recorded history!”

Underhanded. It can also be read as sneaky, but she specifically said cunning. That one actually stings.

“Ngh… ugh… I can’t…”

The cockroach unit, for what it’s worth, is dropping like flies — so I’m watching the whole thing from a comfortable distance while mentally saluting the roach spray for its service.

Rito looks visibly relieved, but Titania and Ros both have the look of people who didn’t get to have any fun.

“Elena, are you feeling okay?”

“Yeah, actually… I feel a lot lighter. I didn’t even know Rito had that kind of magical aptitude.”

“It’s not like I get many chances to use it.”

He gave a sheepish little grin. “I’m just not great at casting spells,” he added.

Wait — wasn’t he Light-attribute? Couldn’t he theoretically aim for the whole White Mage archetype? So how does someone with Light-attribute magic end up bad at spells?

“Didn’t you say you’re good at using poisons?”

“Ah — that’s a bit different from magic, actually.”

“Don’t ignore me!”

Bug pun intended?

There are still a few cockroaches twitching on the ground, so I figure I’ll wait until they’re all down before doing anything. Not very hero-like? Say what you want. I’m the type who’d punch a villain mid-transformation sequence without a second thought.

Vol 1 Chapter 34 – D-Don’t Be So Gentle With Me, It’s Not Faaair~ ()

“Light-attribute basically means I can heal wounds with, like, my singing. And the whole poison thing — that’s more about how well I can concentrate pure malice toward a target. So it’s different from casting a spell.”

“So you’re saying you poison people through sheer force of ill intent?”

“Pretty much.”

I am never making an enemy of this guy. Ever.

Thank god he’s not the front-line combat type. Thank god he told me upfront that fighting scares him. Someone who can take down opponents through raw hostility alone is a walking weapon.

“Get up! I said get up! All of you, on your feet!”

“Wow. Roach spray is no joke.”

“Mr. Heroooo! I won’t forgive you, I won’t, I won’t!”

Calm down. That’s actually terrifying.

“You said your name was Fia, right? If you’re losing to just me, that pretty much says it all. Better to quit while you’re ahead.”

“Quit…”

“You don’t have to stay under the Demon King. You’re suffering right now, aren’t you?”

I glance up at the self-propelled roach sprayers. It turns out roach spray works on what I’m pretty sure is an Ashidaka spider too. The canisters are gleaming gold — almost majestic, honestly. I didn’t recreate the label art, so they’re just smooth golden cylinders, but somehow that makes them look even better.

“Will… Mr. Hero take care of me?”

“Uh, hmm, well…”

“Just say yes, even if you’re lying!”

“Tell her yes, weakling — it’s the only way to shut her up!”

Titania and Elena whispered at me from behind like it was someone else’s problem. Easy for them to say. But like — traveling with a monster girl who’s basically a giant spider? That’s genuinely terrifying. For me, anyway.

“Right, well… for starters, why don’t you quit the Demon King’s army…”

My face cramped. I know it did. My voice cracked too. This is painful.

“Mr. Hero…”

“So what do you say? Travel with us. Taking down your old boss might be a weird ask, but…”

“Uu, uuu… I — I look like this, and…”

“Wait, why are you crying.”

I thought the same thing when it happened with Princess Odette — I have absolutely zero resistance to girls crying in front of me. I never know how to comfort anyone. And that whole gentle head pat move is an exclusive privilege reserved for a very specific tier of guy. I know that much about myself, at least.

“Everyone’s always been so c-cold to me… hic… and I never even had parents… uweh, uwehh…”

She looks like a monster girl, but apparently she’s got her own story behind all of this. Of course she does. Everyone does. Once I thought about it that way, she almost looked like a perfectly ordinary cute gi— okay, no, still a stretch.

“Sure, you’re not human — but that’s the same deal as every other non-human in this group, right? It’s all the same. Right, Fia?”

“Uweh, uwehh… Mr. Hero… no one — not even the Demon King — has ever spoken to me so gently before… I think I love you…”

I’m just glad she’s not the kind of spider that shoots webs. If she were, I’d already be wrapped up like a takeout order.

“Mr. Hero… I luff you… hic… can I… eat you?”

“Oh, there it is.”

Fia (Monster Girl) (Ashidaka Spider) (Estimated)

has joined the party. ▼