Chapter 70 – The Epilogue: Status Quo, But Worse

【Amaterasu PoV】

The sound of my own laughter was a terrifying thing.

It bounced off the nebulae painted on my office walls.

It rattled the asteroid desk.

It probably scared the janitorial spirits cleaning the hallway outside.

I couldn’t stop.

I was clutching my stomach.

Tears of pure, unadulterated mirth streamed down my face.

I replayed the footage on the divine monitor for the tenth time.

“Is that it.”

Ryuuji’s voice was flat.

Bored.

He looked at a literal God of Chaos and asked if he was done seeking attention.

I hit pause on the frame where Loki’s soul visibly left his body.

It was art.

It was a masterpiece.

It was the single greatest moment in the history of divine intervention.

Loki had come to my world to ruin me.

He wanted to prove my hero was broken.

He wanted to prove I was incompetent.

Instead he got bullied by a teenager with a backpack and a bad attitude.

I wiped a tear from my cheek.

“Oh. That is rich. That is beautiful.”

I grabbed a handful of popcorn.

It was stale.

I didn’t care.

I had won.

Technically.

I checked my employment status on the sidebar.

Still employed.

Still Regional Director.

My smile faltered a little.

Okay.

So I didn’t get fired.

Ryuuji failed to destroy the world.

Again.

In fact he saved it from a divine incursion.

He literally protected the integrity of my server against a hacker.

Zeus was going to be unbearable about this.

I could already hear the performance review.

‘Excellent firewall management Amaterasu. Innovative use of mortal apathy as a defense mechanism.’

I groaned.

I slid down in my moonlight chair until my chin hit my chest.

I was never going to get to Brazil.

I was going to die in this office.

Buried under paperwork and praise.

But I had to reward the kid.

It was protocol.

When a hero defeats a god they get a drop.

Usually a legendary weapon.

Or a grimoire of forbidden magic.

Something that makes them even more overpowered.

I couldn’t give him that.

He was already too strong.

If I gave him a sword that cut reality he would probably use it to trim hedges.

I needed something useless.

Something annoying.

Something that would fit his ‘I hate this’ aesthetic perfectly while also driving him crazy.

I scrolled through the item database.

Sword of a Thousand Truths.

Too loud.

Shield of Invincibility.

Too heavy.

Cloak of Shadows.

He would actually like that.

So no.

Then I saw it.

It was buried in the ‘Cosmetic/Vanity’ folder.

Usually reserved for gods who wanted to look shiny at parties.

The Halo of Photogenic Lighting.

Item Description: ‘Ensures the user is always perfectly lit. Adds a subtle sparkle to the eyes. Wind will always blow hair dramatically to the left. +0 Stats. +100 Style.’

It was perfect.

It was a curse disguised as a blessing.

He couldn’t turn it off.

He would never be able to hide in the shadows again.

He would literally glow in the dark.

I hit ‘Send’.

A golden particle effect shimmered on the screen as the item transferred to his inventory.

“Enjoy your sparkle Ryuuji. You earned it.”

I leaned back.

I put my feet up on the desk.

I watched the feed.

The town of Olvido was celebrating.

They were building a stage.

They were roasting a whole ox.

Ryuuji was trying to hide in an alleyway.

It wasn’t working.

Because his head was now glowing with a soft, angelic light.

I snickered.

“Gotcha.”

A chime echoed through the office.

It wasn’t the prayer chime.

It wasn’t the standard message chime.

It was the deep, resonant gong of the High Council Priority Channel.

My blood ran cold.

I sat up.

I brushed the popcorn kernels off my robe.

A golden envelope materialized in the air.

It had lightning bolts stamped on the wax seal.

Zeus.

The big boss.

I swallowed hard.

Maybe this was it.

Maybe Loki had filed a complaint.

Maybe I was finally being investigated for gross negligence.

Maybe I was fired.

My hands shook as I reached for the envelope.

I broke the seal.

The letter unfolded itself.

It began to read itself aloud in a voice that sounded like thunder rolling over a mountain.

“To Regional Director Amaterasu.”

I held my breath.

“Regarding the incident with the localized divinity intrusion.”

Here it comes.

The pink slip.

The severance package.

“Your handling of the rogue deity Loki was exemplary. Your chosen champion demonstrated a level of spiritual fortitude we have not seen in eons.”

No.

Please no.

“Furthermore. The Council has decided to take a sabbatical. We are going to Vegas.”

What.

“We need a temporary Supreme Deity to manage the multiverse while we are gone. Someone with a proven track record of managing high-stress, chaotic anomalies.”

My vision started to swim.

“Congratulations. You are promoted to Acting Supreme Goddess. Effective immediately.”

The letter dissolved into gold dust.

The dust swirled around me.

My robes changed.

They went from simple white silk to a blinding, complex tapestry of galaxies and stars.

A crown appeared on my head.

It was heavy.

It felt like I was wearing a planet.

I stared at the empty air where the letter had been.

Supreme Goddess.

I wasn’t just managing a world.

I was managing all the worlds.

I was in charge of everything.

The paperwork.

The prayers.

The complaints.

It was infinite.

It was eternal.

It was my nightmare.

“NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!”

I screamed.

I stood up and kicked my desk.

The asteroid shard didn’t move.

My toe throbbed.

“I don’t want to be Supreme! I want a margarita! I want a nap!”

This was Ryuuji’s fault.

If he hadn’t been so cool.

If he hadn’t been so unimpressed.

If he had just fought Loki like a normal hero this would have been a standard Tuesday.

But no.

He had to be a ‘God Slayer’.

He had to be a legend.

And now I was the CEO of the universe.

I paced the office.

My new galaxy robes trailed behind me like a comet tail.

I needed a way out.

I needed a replacement.

I stopped pacing.

I looked at the monitor.

Ryuuji was on the screen.

He was looking miserable.

He was glowing.

He was powerful.

He had defeated a god with a sentence.

He had the ‘Divine Lineage’ class.

He was technically a demigod already.

A slow, wicked idea began to form in my brain.

It was the most evil thing I had ever thought of.

It was perfect.

If I was the Supreme Goddess.

That meant I could appoint my successor.

I could choose anyone.

Anyone with the right power level.

Anyone with the right resume.

“Ryuuji Sato.”

I whispered his name.

“You want to be an anti-hero? You want a tragic backstory?”

I leaned close to the screen.

I tapped the glass right over his glowing face.

“Fine. I’ll give you the ultimate tragedy.”

I grinned.

It was a smile that would have made Loki proud.

“I’m going to retire. And I’m going to make you the new God of this world.”

I would drag him up here.

I would dump the crown on his head.

I would hand him the keys to the universe.

And then I would run to Brazil before he could say no.

It was the perfect revenge.

He wanted to be left alone?

Fine.

He could be alone in an office for the rest of eternity.

“Get ready kid.”

I sat back in my moonlight chair.

I started drafting the transfer paperwork.

“You’re getting a promotion.”

【Ryuuji PoV】

The moon was too bright.

Everything was too bright.

Mostly because my head was glowing.

I sat on the roof of the Grateful Goblin inn.

My legs dangled over the edge.

I stared at the shingles.

A soft, golden light emanated from my hair.

It attracted moths.

“Go away.”

I swatted at a large, fuzzy moth that was trying to land on my ear.

It fluttered off.

Then it came back.

Because I was a literal lamp.

This was my reward.

This was my loot drop for ‘defeating’ a god.

A halo.

A permanent, un-removable halo that made me look like the cover of a romance novel.

The item description said it was ‘Legendary’.

It said it boosted my ‘Style’.

It didn’t mention that it ruined my stealth stat forever.

I couldn’t hide in shadows.

I couldn’t brood in dark corners.

I was a nightlight.

“Tea.”

The voice came from behind me.

I didn’t jump.

I was used to it.

Reina stood on the peak of the roof.

She was holding a tray.

Two cups.

A pot.

She walked down the slanted tiles like she was walking on a flat floor.

“Thanks.”

She sat down beside me.

She placed the tray between us.

She poured a cup.

She took a sip from my cup first.

Then she waited five seconds.

Then she nodded.

“Safe.”

“You really don’t have to poison check my tea every time Reina.”

“Siegfried has fans. Jealous fans. We can’t be too careful.”

“Siegfried is in jail.”

“For now.”

She handed me the cup.

“I checked the perimeter. Kenji is asleep. Daisuke is sharpening his axe. The town is quiet.”

“Good.”

I took a sip.

It was chamomile.

It was good.

I hated that it was good.

I wanted it to be bitter.

Like my soul.

I pulled a crumpled piece of paper from my pocket.

The letter from Mayor Pedro.

“To the Savior of Olvido,” it read.

“We are eternally grateful. We have commissioned a sculptor. The statue will be twenty feet tall. It will feature you pointing heroically at the sky.”

I crumpled it up again.

I threw it off the roof.

“Twenty feet.”

I muttered.

“Why not fifty. Why not just carve my face into the mountain.”

“We could arrange that.”

Reina said.

She wasn’t joking.

“No. Please don’t.”

I pulled out the second letter.

This one was on fancy paper.

It smelled like lavender.

It was from Siegfried.

“Dear Ryuuji-sama. My rival. My light.”

I gagged a little.

“Prison has given me time to think. I see now that my physical strength was nothing compared to your spiritual might. I am doing pushups. I am reading philosophy. I will become a man worthy of standing in your shadow.”

I burned that one.

I held it up to my glowing hair until it caught fire.

I dropped the ashes.

“He’s training.”

I said.

“He’s supposed to be plotting revenge. He’s supposed to be stewing in hatred. Instead he’s doing self-improvement.”

“He is weak.”

Reina said.

“He needs your guidance. Even from a cell.”

I looked at her.

She was looking at me with that terrifying, unconditional adoration.

“Reina. I’m not a guide. I’m not a savior. I’m just a guy who wants to be left alone.”

“And that is why you are the best of us.”

She leaned her head on my shoulder.

“Because you do not seek power. Power seeks you.”

“Yeah. And it’s annoying.”

I looked down at the town square.

A crowd was gathering.

A bard had set up a small stage on a crate.

He strummed a lute.

It was out of tune.

“Oh no.”

The bard cleared his throat.

His voice carried in the night air.

“Gather round! Gather round! And hear the tale!”

I buried my face in my hands.

My glowing hands.

“Of the boy who stood when the gods did fail!”

“Please stop.”

“With a heart of gold and a gaze of steel!”

“My gaze is tired. Just tired.”

“He made the Trickster God kneel!”

“I didn’t make him kneel! I made him feel awkward!”

The crowd cheered.

They clapped.

Someone threw a flower.

“The Ballad of the Saint Who Scolded a God.”

Reina whispered the title.

“It’s catchy.”

“It’s a lie.”

I looked up at the moon.

It was full.

It was mocking me.

Somewhere up there.

The Goddess was watching.

I knew it.

I could feel her gaze.

She was laughing.

She thought this was funny.

She thought she had won.

She sent me this stupid halo.

She sent me these stupid friends.

She sent me this stupid plot armor.

She was the ultimate puppet master.

And I was just a doll in her dollhouse.

But dolls could break things.

A new plan began to form in my mind.

A dark plan.

A twisted plan.

If I couldn’t be the villain.

If I couldn’t be the anti-hero.

Then I would be the revolutionary.

I wasn’t going to destroy the world.

I was going to destroy her management style.

“Next time.”

I whispered.

“Next time I won’t find a villain.”

Reina looked at me.

“Ryuuji?”

“I’m done looking for scumbags. I’m done looking for rivals.”

I stood up on the roof.

My halo flared.

I looked like a beacon of holy retribution.

“I’m going to go higher.”

I pointed a finger at the moon.

At the sky.

At her.

“I’m going to find the author of this mess. I’m going to find that lazy Goddess.”

Reina stood up beside me.

Her dagger was in her hand.

She looked at the moon.

“Are we going to kill the moon?”

“No. We’re going to make her the hero.”

I grinned.

It was a broken grin.

“I’m going to be so annoying. I’m going to be so competent. I’m going to solve every problem so fast that she runs out of content.”

“I don’t understand.”

“She wants chaos? I’ll give her order. Aggressive order. I’ll fix this world so hard she gets promoted into oblivion.”

I lowered my hand.

“I will make her the great goddess heroine. I will put her on a pedestal so high she gets a nosebleed.”

“And then?”

“And then. When she trusts me. When she thinks I’m her perfect little soldier.”

I looked at Reina.

“I’m going to betray her.”

“How?”

“I’m going to quit.”

I laughed.

It sounded a little manic.

“I’m going to retire. I’m going to open a bakery. I’m going to disappear.”

“And leave her alone?”

“Exactly. I’ll leave her with all the paperwork. All the prayers. All the responsibility.”

I looked back at the moon.

“You hear that Amaterasu! I’m coming for your job security! I will be an edgelord! I swear it!”

The bard below hit a high note.

“THE SAINT! THE SAINT! THE SAINT!”

I sat back down.

I put my head back in my hands.

“But first. I need to get off this roof before they ask for an encore.”

Reina patted my back.

“I’ll handle the bard.”

“Don’t kill him.”

“I’ll just break the lute.”

“Acceptable.”

I closed my eyes.

Status quo.

But worse.

So much worse.

But at least I had a plan.

War on heaven.

Starting tomorrow.

After breakfast.

【Hey everyone. 

So… chapter 70. It’s been a while, I know, and this probably feels like a weird place to stop.

The truth is, the story kind of got away from me. I started this wanting to write a simple parody about a guy who fails at being edgy, then it turned into… well, whatever this is now. Gods, dungeons, emotional damage. Writing is hard—like, really hard. I feel like Ryuuji sometimes, just trying to execute a simple plan and watching it spiral into chaos.

But I’m not abandoning the story, I promise. I love these idiots too much to leave them hanging forever. I just need to level up—to grind some XP in the real world. Read more books, write more bad drafts, figure out how to write a divine war arc without it being cringe. So I’m putting Help! I’m Trying to Be an Edgy Loner but Everyone Thinks I’m a Hero on hiatus.

I know—I’m sorry. Please don’t send Reina after me. I’ll be back, eventually, when I’m a better writer and when Ryuuji finally figures out how to turn off that halo. Thanks for reading, and for sticking with me this far. You guys are the real heroes. (Don’t tell Ryuuji I said that—he hates that word.)

See you next time,

The Author】