Life is a Mess Ever Since My Mother Won an Ero-Novel Grand Prize - V2 Chapter 1.1
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“My Life is a Mess and My Sister Won the Grand Prize for Erotic Illustration”
Chapter 1.1
“MATING!” “MATING!”
The venue was filled with enthusiasm. A ground-shaking call for Mating Press
The air shook in the early spring, and the audience, all of whom were otakus, waved their arms in the air and cheered.
Yes, I will never forget that time…
I want to forget about it though..
…Someone please help me forget it.
It had been already three months since I was told that I had won the grand prize in the erotic novel category at the 11th All-Genre Novel Newcomer Award, the largest of its kind in the novel industry.
With the pen name “Mating Press”.
And the title “Greek Mythology.”
The work, which deftly depicts the passionate love between a son and his mother, was a big hit with the judges, and I, a high school student who had always wanted to be a professional writer, finally made my debut brilliantly.
It is something to be celebrated,
I should be happy…
But.
But.
But.
—Nevertheless… That’s not the truth.
Why am I, Mating Press, say that it’s not the truth? Because it’s not! Why would I use a sexually harassing pseudonym like that! Why do I have to call myself Mating Press?
Yes the truth is, my mother is the real Mating Press. Still confused from what I said? I’m as confused as you! I mean you’ve gotta be kidding me!
“Then, Haruma Shimomura-kun, Class A, 2nd Year…”
The voice of the presenter, electronically augmented by microphones, echoed cheerfully through the high-ceilinged gymnasium.
“No, Mating Press Sensei, please come to the podium.”
As soon as that happened.
Wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!
The students cheered.
No, you’ve got to be kidding me. You don’t even know what you’re talking about. Do you really understand what a Mating Press is? If I didn’t know it, I’d also be cheering with them saying, “Mating! Mating!”. Though that’s possible only when nerds are gathered together.
Look at the whole school gathered in the gymnasium. The bunch of jolly people and riajuu yapping just to enjoy the moment. While nerdy students who understand the true meaning of Mating Press, laughed their asses off, saying, “… Pukuku, who’s the Mating Press…?” I don’t like either of those reactions! Do you guys even understand my feelings!?
“Mating Press is the pride of our school! Now don’t be shy, come on up to the stage!”
The damn principal (a bald fat old man) smiles and invites me in with his hand.
Stage side. I try my best to resist and stay in place as the student council guys who are hosting the event try to force me out. I cling to the frame of the door leading to the waiting room.
“No, no, no, no, no, I don’t want to go, I don’t want to go…”
“Give it up, Shimomura-kunn! Everyone is waiting for you to show up!”
“Noooooooo! Listen to me, President. I’m not really the Mating Press! I was born from the Mating Press, but I’m not the Mating Press! Nnghhhhhh!”
“Don’t go crazy! Just go! Hey guys, this is a pain in the ass, get this guy on stage!”
“On it, President!”
“Oh, no! Stop it! Aw, it hurts!”
The student council members kicked me as I desperately resisted.
I forgot to mention that, yes, we are in the middle of a school assembly.
We are currently in the rainy season. It was a clear and refreshing morning, but my heart was screaming.
The release of the “Girigami,” the debut novel of Mating Press, was just a few days ago on a holiday.
We were overwhelmed that day when we went to the store to buy it, as the response was far greater than we had imagined. Well, maybe it was a good thing that we went that far.
However,
We were careless. I know it was a pretty low probability, but the author’s identity was revealed in the store (not strictly true).
It was because of a bold statement by my mother, Mirei, who went with me to buy it.
“Our story has been read by so many people!”
And the character design of the mother and son in the illustration of “Girigami”, looks just like us in real life.
“Don’t tell me the Author is here!”
That single word triggered a flood of fans.
A big commotion ensued, which spilled over the storefronts and into the aisles.
Even my classmates who were just passing by there came to know.
“What? His novels are for sale? What, that Shimomura guy is now a writer? That’s amazing! What kind of work? What is your pen name?”
In today’s society, people connect with each other through social networking sites. The information spread quickly among school officials.
Life’s a mess…
No, I really think it should have ended there…
But then my phone started ringing after that event,, even though I rarely receive calls normally.
I ignored them as much as I could, and at the beginning of the week, I went to school with a heavy heart.
“Honorably Author has arrived〜〜〜〜!”
“Ha ha〜〜〜〜!”
For some reason, I was greeted with a period drama style.
“You there! you’ll be honored at the school assembly today.”
The president of the student council (a beautiful woman with long black hair) suddenly told me.
And that’s how it came to this…
“Mating! Mating!”
No, that’s crazy! I’ve been trying to sort out the flow myself, and it’s just not right! This ain’t normal! This! How the hell is this happening???
I don’t know the circumstances, but the facts are there.
It is a school-wide “Mating” assembly.(E/N: To lessen how others would actually understand deciphering this sentence, I added “ “ so yeah.)
Now I am about to be put on the stage.
The principal (again, a bald fat old man) was already standing at the podium on the stage.
“Kohon… Now, before Mating-kun comes out on stage, let me, as the principal, introduce you to a great scene on Girigami. I was moved by the part where the protagonist, who has been raping his mother all his life, finally gives in to her love and starts licking her feet.”
What the hell do you think you’re talking about in front of the whole school, you shitty principal!
“When I read that scene, I felt as if I returned back to my childhood… babu*! Babu*! Mommy, boobies!” [TLN: here principal cries like a baby]
You’re better dead, Principal!
“Look, Shimomura-kun! That’s the head of our school! Now go to the podium quickly! You’re the one they need!”
“It’s not easy being a middle man either, damn you President!”
I finally gave up and reluctantly appeared on stage.
Immediately, woohoo, woohoo! The cheers and calls for Mating increased. It was as if a popular charismatic band had appeared on stage.
Damn… they all think it’s someone else’s problem and do whatever they want.
I’m not Mating Press. I’m her son!
“Welcome, Mating-kun!”
The principal ducks off the podium and comes forward and pats me on the shoulder in a friendly manner.
I looked at him with lifeless eyes…
“I am Shimomura, second year, class A student. I don’t know anything about Mating presses. And hurry up and give me the certificate of honour, I want to tear it up right here and now.”
“I see… just like breaking a hymen?”
“Do you wanna die, old man?”
“I was the same-” The principal starts telling stories about the old days, I silenced him with a belly punch.
In a moment of agony, I snatched the award from his hands.
“Wooo,” the students reacted like in the U.S., but I let them pass.
“Yes, yes, yes, end of the line, end of the line.”
Disappointed, I turned back to the side of the stage.
Really, just get it over with already, you know, I don’t want this kind of ruckus.
Sighing, I disappeared to the side of the stage, but…
I never thought that I would return to that stage again.
But then I smelled something, the smell was soft and nice. A floral aroma that gives me a peace of mind.
It was a scent I smelled on a daily basis too.
But that smell would be coming from the one who passed by me… The woman who made me the substitute for the real mating press… was headed for the stage…
“Hey, guys! It’s the Mother!”
Wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!
Why the hell are you here, you old hag?!
I couldn’t believe my eyes. This is the school!
Neat and dainty. She has a soft and warm demure atmosphere, but at the same time, she has an excellent style and a model figure with long arms and legs. She has a childlike face, shiny and firm skin, and looks like a college student.
A beautiful witch who maintains a spectral youthfulness, I suppose.
But of all people, it just had to be my mother.
Mirei Shimomura…
But why is she here?
Mirei leaped onto the stage with a microphone in hand and went to the principal, waving to all the students. Instantly, the principal jumped on top of the podium and stormed out like a sluggish child.
“Babu*! Babu*! Mommy, boobies!”
What a tragic sight.
“Oh dear, Mr. Principal must have been under a lot of stress.”
“I’m so sorry, I’m a big boy at school, but I don’t have a place at home. I didn’t want to grow up, I wanted to be a baby all my life.”
Principal… I wonder what I should be feeling right now. It’s so subtle and pitiful. But it’s even more annoying that he is sucking his own thumb, I don’t want to ever see this sight nor him ever again.
“Oh, dear, you poor thing. But in that case, I’ll do a spell to make you feel better. I’m sure that after this spell, you’ll be able to get through the rest of the day.”
“Please Mama” (*Principal)
“Yes, do your best today… ♪ Makeluna pippi ♪ Makeluna pippi ♪ good day to you!”
“Ugh! Courage hundredfold! Thank you, Mama!” (*Principal)
“Un~ Good, good!”
I don’t know what just happened, but I think that the problem was settled…
…What the hell is this? !
It felt like an educational program, so that thing with Mirei must have been a takeoff on that or something. I don’t care, or don’t do it again, seriously.
“I mean, seriously, why is she even here? Did you instigate her to do this, President?”
“I don’t like the term instigation.”
The president lowered her shoulders.
“At a pre-event meeting this morning, Principal insisted on meeting the model of “Girigami,” so I made a quick phone call to her. Probably after you had already left home.”
Damn you Principal, that was unnecessary!
“I mean, she should have said no!”
“True, but your mother had an errand to do at the school, thus she agreed to come along.”
“Mom had an errand to do at the school? What?”
“Haru-kun you forgot your lunch box! I’ve given it to the student council, so make sure you get it!”
“Eeeeeeee!?”
Mirei used the microphone and said the words that answered my question, on the stage…
I certainly don’t remember putting my lunch in my bag today because I left the house distracted…
Sure enough, the whole school giggles at me.
My face was red with shame.
“She’s a good mother, isn;t she? Fufu.”
“Don’t laugh at me, damn President!”
I screamed, foaming at my mouth, but the President, who has a reputation for being cool and beautiful, would have none of it.
“Vice President, proceed!”
“Yes.”
At the president’s direction, the vice-president girl raised the microphone in her hand to her mouth.
“Ladies and gentlemen of the whole school, the woman who has just come up on the stage is, to my surprise, Haruma Shimomura-kun’s mother, the model of Girigami, and the spawn of the Mating press!”
No, that’s wrong! She is Mating press! She’s the one who wrote “Girigami”!
I’m just acting on her behalf.
Why am I pretending to be an erotic novel writer instead of my mother you ask?
Because I wanted to experience the professional world as much as possible and hone my skills as a writer, too and someday I will win an award on my own and make my debut.
And to confess my love to the girl I like…
While I was clenching my fists and biting my lips.
The vice president continued.
“The mother made a surprise appearance today as a special guest! And she’ll be giving a short speech today!”
Oi, stop.
The students are excited, and I have a bad feeling about this.
“Attention, all students, please listen to me. It’s not every day you get to hear a real speech from the mother of a high school author and the model for a popular light novel. So, mother, please.”
“Yes.”
Mirei, looking a bit nervous, walks around to the podium. The jittery principal paved the way for her.
“Wait, stop, I’ve got a bad feeling about this!”
When I tried to stop her, the student council members tied me down and held me back.
“Calm down, Shimomura-kun! This is for the good of the students! Opportunities like this really don’t come along very often!”
“Let go of me! How the hell is she supposed to give a proper speech! Who do you even think she is? She’s Mirei! My mother! She’s not going to give a decent speech I swear! Nnghhhhhh!”
But my appeals were ignored.
On the stage, Mirei finally took the manuscript and spoke into the microphone.
“Please listen to how much your mother loves you, Haru-kun”
See! Damn youuuuu…
I went crazy and stormed off to the side of the stage, while the student council members tried their best to hold me back.
Mirei looked really comfortable, though a little shy.
She spoke cheerfully about her love for her son.
Yes, to all students, all faculty and staff…
I knew it, my life is a mess.
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