What was my name before all of this started…

What did God intend for me to do…

These two questions is all that keeps coming back to me…

I yearn for an answer…but it will never be answered as long as God is far from reach.

But I yearn…

Now to my dismay, I came upon a path that was mostly something that was never placed in the book’s event. Soril Remus was never going to be a boy who would experience going through the revelations of meeting an old man who orders him to lose weight and gain some sense of physical confidence.

By now, I have drifted from the book’s plan, with no direction…no certainty, I feel like the world might go to ruin because of this small change…the people would call it the Butterfly Effect.

But as I know myself to be a worthless character in the story, does it even matter in the slightest?

Soril Remus would have been expelled either way because of his gruesome acts of perversion… if the system were to lead me to the same fate as him, I guess it would be right to simply follow the system if its right for the fate of everyone by the book’s plan.

But as of now, I don’t know who I am or what I’m doing…

And it hurts to live with no reason, so I rely on the system to guide me in some way, that way it feels like I have some sense of worth…

So again…

I question myself this, to not forget.

Who was I before all of this?

What are God’s intentions in putting me here?

And most of all, can I trust him?

Despite being God, is he doing what is right? Or is he a liar?

It will all be answered if I am given a chance to meet him once again…

“…”

“…What are you doing? Your spacing out right now, keep focus or else I’ll have you repeat every exercise you’ve done for the past hours.” said the adult man who was watching me as I continued to lift some weights made with a simple fixtures of both a rock and a stick made from the man.

“Sorry, Senior Cecil.” I apologized as I got back into lifting the weights. The man’s name was Cecil by the way. This hobo looking man.

Right now I was Lifting weights…something that was common back on earth. It helps cut back on your cholesterol as well as increase your strength. Mainly what I’m doing is to lose as much weight as I can. So while I was lifting some weights outside the Dojo, I had to wear a black hoodie to increase the body heat to make me sweat some more. It may seem like not so much, but in truth, it is very much a death-like experience.

Because before this, I had to run up the stairs and down again for five times straight under 1 hour. To compete with the stress of this time limit, I was given a bottle of some weird juice that for some reason refreshes my stamina. Although the muscle pain doesn’t disappear, its enough to get me through this exercise. In just 1 hour, I have done 20,000 steps. Its good goal, but what comes after this is the fact that I have to exhibit a great amount down to doing sit-ups.

Sit-ups contributes a lot to reducing the amount of fat that is in my body. Doing about 200 sit-ups will help align with my core strength and having to increase my core means that I can have a good sense of control over my upper and lower body. This helps a lot with the fact that I don’t get to be pushed around if a monster charges in on me while I carry a shield.

After Sit-ups, I was given a bottle of juice again to catch up with my stamina. The pain in both my legs and stomach hurts so much, but knowing that I’m improving physically blinds me a little to the realization of pain. I can continue for a bit…

Next up was push ups…

I did just as much as with the sit-ups, 200 push-ups. Doing push ups burns the arm fat as well as strengthen it to a point that I can use the sword well enough that I can increase the damage of my strikes and swings on both my sword and shield. And lastly was the squats. At first I did it without with the lifting stones crafted from Senior Cecil, but after the third day, he gave me this extra challenge. Doing squats improves the strength in the lower body…Good lower body means that I don’t fall of as easily…

I’ve been doing this kind of exercise with the Dojo for about six days now. I only stay around until 1 pm where I ask to leave since I go out to hunt in the rat dungeon. I rarely ever see Mater Yagami and when I asked this to Senior Cecil, he told me to simply worry about my physicality first before I have a right to learn from the Master. Master Yagami would only teach me if he knows that it is time.

Everytime I leave, I always ask for that weird juice that refreshes my stamina. Hunting is hard when your muscles are always in pain, but I always seem to keep up with just enough strength to earn about 15,000 qorils a day.

After hunting, I go home and I rest…

To train in the Dojo until 1 PM in the evening and For hunting for four hours straight to earn enough for a day…I end up at home around 5 in the afternoon.

I’m tired…

And I want to lay on my bed until I wake up the next day…

I remembered the first time I did this…the moment I woke up the next day, my muscles were aching like they were being chewed on by a dog’s ravage teeth. My legs and arms would cram for an hour but no one could help, so the only thing I did was scream under a pillow as the cramps went away…

By then, I would get back up and try to make myself some dinner…take note that I tried but I hardly could make a hearty meal.

“…I’m tired.”

I know its hard…

I know its not easy…

But I don’t know anything else to do at the moment…

I do this to pass the time as it is…and gain the advantage of becoming stronger.

On the seventh day, I came to the Dojo and found Senior Cecil by the foot of the stairs.

“Senior Cecil?” I was curious so I called to him

“…You don’t have to come today.” he said.

“What? Why?” I asked.

“…Have you taken a look at mirror lately?” he asked.

“…” but I didn’t respond. I don’t think I could remember a bit of myself staring at a mirror this morning.

“…For every six days of work, Master Yagami recommends a one day break. Treat yourself to something for the day. Don’t go to a dungeon and do go training yourself out…just live your life for a bit.” he said in a rather stern voice.

“…Okay.” and as shallow as it was, I turned my back on him and started walking back home.

“…That kid, he lost a bit of weight…but he still looks like shit.”

As I made my way down the road, I got to a place that was looking like a small town. I was still far away from my home and I was thinking of simply walking their by foot to waste the day away.

All I’ve done for the past six days is exercise and hunt in a dungeon…nothing else in between of it. I can see the change, I’ve grown stronger and I’ve been feeling a bit faster, and I can last longer in battle despite the muscle pain. I could still sweat but not so much as before, and my entire body feels a bit lighter…

I can assume that I probably lost about 10 kgs. But I couldn’t make sure since I don’t remember looking at a mirror lately or at a weighing scale…

“…I should just go home.” with that said, I decided to find a cab. After looking for one after minutes of searching, I finally got one.

As I sat in the back seat, I could see sights of this small town that was near my Dojo. I never really got to know the name of it since I couldn’t bother to, but as I passed, I saw a little sign.

“…Riverpine…this town is called Riverpine?” this was a knew discovery… and learning about it, my eyes showed a light of interest and a smile appeared on my face.

As I got home, I paid the cab and went inside the house.

“…I’m tired.” I said as I felt droopy from just going to the Dojo and back…

Everything was weird.

The sun was brighter than usual…my head was being a bit weezy and I felt like I was going to throw up any minute now.

I then realized…

“…Ah.” I fell over.

*Thud*

Hit my head over a wall and down to the floor.

I don’t think that I can make it to my room…maybe the living room would be alright.

So I dragged my body like it was dead on the waist down…

Until finally, I pulled a pillow from the sofa and dragged it under my head. I couldn’t get up the couch so for now, this would do…

“Ahh…” I rested my head at the pillow as I dazed into my dreams.

Everything still hurts…

Everything is not going well…

My life is a mess and I’m here laying sick and might be dying from overworking myself too much…

Why did I overwork myself into this?

Why?

Why?

I asked myself this, but I still couldn’t answer…

I don’t think living like this was going to be good at all…

Fuck…

Did I mess up?

So many thoughts and yet not a single answer to be made…

God, I wish I could have sense of a fucking reason of living…

Being in this world without knowing anything is just making me miserable…

I feel like I’m being swallowed in a cloud of doubt…

Anxious of the world and anxious that I’m the only thing that has no reason for living despite being given a second chance…

The anxiety of being worth something is always pilling up within me but I couldn’t find an answer to this question.

The question of my worth…

I exercise by the order of a new found teacher in a sense that he worries for my life…

I hunt by the simple reason of having money to survive financially…

And I follow the system all for the sake that God has given me a mission…

Out of everything being said, I find not a lot of joy in it…

I wanted to find something worth doing…

But it feels like I’m just repeating everything that I did in my past life…

Despite not knowing my name, I know I was a worthless man who worked a menial job…there was nothing fulfilling about that.

God said that I complained about my job…that I wanted to end it all…I don’t doubt him saying that because it seems all too real…I might have really killed myself then…

And now, given that I have been given a second chance…a chance to do anything I want, I choose to do what I can to survive…

To hunt…to exercise…to have faith in God…

Maybe this is all that life can offer me…

***

“…”

I woke up…

It was already 1:00 in the morning.

My body hurts but not so much as before…

My head isn’t hurting and I don’t feel like vomiting…everything seems okay for now.

So I decided to rest and sit on my the couch.

“…” I felt the silence in the room…

It was…doubtful enough but this was the first time I thought that it was peaceful…

So I realized something….

My anxiety towards my purpose to exist…

My reason for living…

I doubt I can find one in just a day so I’ll continue to live in doubt.

I want to do something worth something…

Something that gives me joy…

Peace…

Peace gives me joy…

I love peace…so maybe I can relax for the rest of the day…

Reading…I love the essence of a story…

I don’t have a book with me but maybe there was something similar…so I turned on the television late at night and simply watched as a movie or a show played…

I know I still have have doubt within me…

But if I can find the things that can make me happy…maybe I can have less of a doubt by the day…

So I’ll live and gather the things I find joyful in this world.

I’ll live even with my doubt for a purpose.

I guess what I’m trying to say to myself is that to live with a true purpose in life isn’t as real as one can find, to simply live and enjoy life and live life by a standard…by a principle, that is living. Doubt in of itself is simply a challenge…and it’s a dark one at that.

Starting out a new life is simply just that…I am simply starting out a new life…it took me a while to realize this.