A Story About a Girl Who Took Life for Granted and Fell in Love With a Kind and Introverted Boy - Chapter 18

…I lay face-down on my bed, burying my face in the pillow.

The pillow I clutched made a dull, soft sound as I squeezed it tight.

“Ugh…! Ughhhhh!!”

My muffled sobs filled the room, echoing softly.

My emotions were a complete mess.

Just imagining Miyuki and Kenji happily together made me feel sick.

I was filled with frustration and regret, unable to stop these feelings, even though I knew I didn’t deserve to feel this way.

(No! No way!! Kenji…!)

Because of the lie I told, we ended up breaking up. It was my fault that I hurt Kenji.

So, of course, Kenji has every right to date another girl. And obviously, I should never interfere with that.

But…! But! But! But!

I can’t bear the thought of Kenji with another girl!! I can’t stand the idea of that gentle smile of his being directed at someone else!!

A burning jealousy toward Miyuki was erupting in my chest.

“…Hah!”

Out of breath, I lifted my face from the pillow.

The pillow was soaked with tears.

“……………………”

I sniffled, breathing heavily, feeling the wetness of tears all over my face, which felt disgusting.

“…Ahhhhh!! Enough!! What…what should I do…?!”

I tangled my fingers in my hair, then buried my face back down.

Only the ticking of the clock quietly reached my ears.

—

“…So, as I was saying, the Solar System consists of eight planets, from Mercury to Neptune…”

The next day at school.

Everyone was taking diligent notes as the teacher wrote on the blackboard, but I was even less motivated than usual.

My notebook lay open, blank, without a single word on it.

(…Ugh, I’m so done with this…)

All I could think about was Kenji and Miyuki.

After crying so much since yesterday, my eyes were puffy and sore. When I looked in the mirror this morning, my eyes were slightly red.

(Why did I have to lie like that…? I’m such an idiot. So stupid.)

Annoyance toward myself kept growing until I gripped the mechanical pencil in my right hand tightly.

(Instead of lying, I should have spent real time with Kenji, confessed only after I was truly in love with him. Even though it’s too late now…I can’t stop thinking about it.)

The same thoughts circled endlessly in my mind. The words might have been different, but the meaning was always the same.

I love Kenji, but I know we can’t be together anymore.

(If I could, I’d want to talk things out properly. I’d tell him that I really like him now. I want to get back together…to tell him that.)

But it’s doubtful whether Kenji would even consider it. Because admitting that “I truly like him now” also means that my initial confession was a lie. There’s no way to hide that.

—

“I…really loved you, Tashiro-san.”

“When you confessed, I was truly, truly happy…I was so excited. Even after going home, I kept replaying your words in my mind…”

“It’s okay, Tashiro-san. Don’t feel bad. It was only a month, but…I had a good dream. So, thank you.”

—

(No…I’m about to…cry again.)

A single tear fell onto the blank page of my notebook. I pretended to yawn, trying to hide it.

I never thought I was this emotionally weak. I thought I’d cried all my tears yesterday, yet they just kept flowing.

(Why…why did I hurt someone so kind? I can’t stand myself…!)

A hollow feeling gnawed at my heart, mingling with a desperation to do something, anything, to make things right.

To suppress those feelings, I took a small, shaky breath.

“So, as I was saying, celestial objects beyond Neptune are classified as trans-Neptunian objects. Pluto is one of those. It used to be classified as a planet, but that was changed in 2006…Hey, Tashiro.”

Suddenly, the teacher called my name. Not expecting it, I answered with a surprised, “Yes?”

“You look like you’re about to fall asleep. Is my class that boring?”

“Oh, no…”

“Your notebook is completely empty. Do you even want to be here?”

“……………………”

The teacher spoke calmly, but there was no mistaking that he was upset.

Trying to stifle my tears with a fake yawn had brought this upon me.

“…I’m sorry.”

I apologized, but the teacher wasn’t satisfied.

“Tashiro, if you’re not interested, please leave. Everyone else here is paying attention. If one person isn’t focused, it affects everyone.”

“……………………”

“I might forgive it if you were reviewing or studying, but sitting here doing absolutely nothing is unacceptable.”

“……………………”

…No, please, stop.

Even though my heart is already worn down, getting scolded like this is just too much to bear.

Why is it that bad things always happen one after another like this?

“Tashiro, are you even listening? You can’t pay attention in class, and you’re not even listening to me now, are you?”

“……………………”

“If you’re not interested, then get out. Are you listening, Tashiro?”

“……………………”

In the silence of the classroom, so quiet it hurt, I was getting scolded, bit by bit, by the teacher.

I felt that if I didn’t leave the room soon, the teacher would lose his temper and start yelling. So, I decided to stand up…and at that moment, I heard someone else rise from their seat behind me with a loud bang. Then, they spoke up.

“Teacher,” the voice said, “please stop there.”

“……………………”

There was no doubt—it was Kenji.

Nervously, I turned to look over my shoulder. Kenji, seated diagonally behind me, was looking at the teacher with a tense expression.

(Kenji…)

Noticing my gaze, Kenji glanced at me for a split second, then turned back to the teacher.

“Teacher, perhaps Tashiro’s behavior wasn’t ideal, but people can’t stay focused all the time. Maybe she’s feeling unwell or has something on her mind. I’d appreciate it if you could be a little understanding.”

After Kenji said that, the teacher crossed his arms.

“Saito, this is Tashiro’s issue. It’s not something for you to involve yourself in.”

“No, sir. It’s my issue too.”

“What?”

“She’s my…classmate. When a classmate gets hurt, it hurts me, too.”

“……………………”

The teacher let out a deep sigh, then told him, “Fine, Saito, sit down.” Then he turned to me and said, “Tashiro, maybe my words were too harsh. I apologize for that. But make sure to pay attention from now on.”

“…Yes.”

Right after that exchange, the bell signaling the end of class rang.

The teacher left the room, and we entered break time.

The next class was music, so we needed to move to the music room. During the break, everyone started grabbing their textbooks and moving.

As everyone chatted and left the room, I went straight up to Kenji and thanked him.

“Ke…uh, I mean, Saito. Thank you for earlier.”

He glanced at my face briefly, then looked back down.

“There’s no need to thank me. Honestly, I thought he was being too harsh…and, well, I feel like I owe you.”

“Owe me?”

“Remember during the endurance run? When I collapsed, you carried me to the nurse’s office.”

“Oh, yeah…now that you mention it.”

“Exactly. So, don’t worry about it.”

Kenji held his textbook and notebook in his right hand and a pencil case in his left.

“You’re as kind as always.”

“…I’m not really kind.”

“No, that’s not true. Just the other day, when I tripped, you were worried about me.”

“……………………”

Before I knew it, everyone else had already left for the music room, and we were alone in the classroom.

“Tashiro, if we don’t leave soon, we’ll be late.”

“Oh! R-Right!”

I hurriedly grabbed my textbook from my desk. By the time I looked up, Kenji had already started walking down the hallway.

Honestly, I wished he would’ve waited for me, but I didn’t ask him to. I just followed him into the hallway.

“……………………”

Kenji was walking several meters ahead of me, his footsteps echoing lightly. At one point, he glanced back, maybe to check on me.

(Kenji…)

I wanted to run up to him right then, to walk by his side. But right now, I didn’t have the courage for that.

All I could do was stare at his back as he walked ahead.

(Why does Kenji always care about me like this?)

By now, it wouldn’t be strange if he hated me. I’ve done so many terrible things to him, and it would make sense if he never wanted to speak to me again.

But Kenji always worries about me. Even though he seems distant now, I can still tell that he cares.

“……………………”

More than anyone, he cares about me. He protects me when I’m going through hard times.

That makes me so happy…and it hurts so much, it’s almost unbearable.

If only he could be completely cold to me, maybe then I could finally give up. But when he’s this kind, I can’t help but hope. I start to wonder if maybe, just maybe, there’s a chance for us to be close again.

I don’t know if Kenji still has feelings for me.

But whether he does or not, Kenji is…kind.

Even if he disliked me, in moments like that with the teacher, he’d still stand up for me.

This kind-hearted Kenji…I love him.

(Kenji, I love you…I really do…)

I whispered it over and over in my heart. My chest ached with warmth.

Even knowing my feelings might not reach him, I couldn’t help but love him.