A Man Who Lost Confidence, to a Gentle Chastity-Reversed World - Chapter 1: My Life is Ugly

Chapter 1: My Life is Ugly

Even today, my heart remains clouded.

And I can’t think of anything fun to do.

For four days a week, I work as a day laborer, and the other three days, I rest. But those days off are spent in idleness, nothing more.

I graduated from university long ago. My friends from back then have found proper jobs and moved forward with their new lives. Meanwhile, I can’t find confidence in myself and have even grown afraid of people.

I’ve come to believe I’m ugly, a laughable existence, even though no one has directly said so. I’ve always had a habit of looking down on myself since childhood, but failing at job hunting brought that trait to the surface.

Looking at myself in the mirror makes me nauseous, so I threw away all the mirrors in my house. Even when I’m out, I worry that people might feel disgusted seeing me, so I walk with my head down as much as possible.

Because of this, I can no longer reach out to the friends I used to hang out with, however sparingly. I was never the type to initiate communication anyway, so I’ve become a textbook loner.

I have a family, but I haven’t seen them in a while. I was scared of their gazes, judging me for not landing a proper job, so about a year after graduating, I started living alone. It’s not that we were on bad terms, but my weakness made me run away from them.

My current life is just working and coming home, so I’m not particularly strapped for cash. Still, with no friends or lover, and having lost any sense of desire, I don’t even know what to spend money on.

Day labor doesn’t require much communication skill. But it also doesn’t help me improve in that area. All that grows is the dark, murky emotions swirling inside me.

I’ve pushed away the friends I once had, and I lack the spirit or ability to make new ones. Besides, how could someone as ugly—both in appearance and in heart—make new friends?

And so, this monster called “me” lives day by day. But how long will this routine go on?

Where did I go wrong? Or perhaps, was I wrong from the moment I was born?

My thoughts are always scattered, but there are a few things I know for certain.

I wish I had been born a bit more decent.

I wish I had been born with looks that were at least average.

I wish I had been born as someone who could affirm themselves.

I wish I had been born into a world that was a little easier for me to live in.