Chapter 16 – What It Means to Kill a Person

“U… gh… bleeeghhhh…”

After killing Fushimi Nevada, throwing away the blood-covered knife, and finally realizing what she had done, Sudou Karma couldn’t fight the nausea that assaulted her once she got home. The overwhelming pressure made her stomach scream as gastric juices surged up her throat. The ramen she ate with Nevada came back up exactly as she had consumed it. She had said she had killed someone before. But even so, she wasn’t cold enough to feel nothing about killing Fushimi Nevada. Guilt and regret mixed together and hammered her down. Nevada, who was loved by Akira, was in the way. But did she really have to kill him to remove him? No answer came. She continued vomiting in the toilet as the night turned to morning. If she was lucky, Nevada’s body still hadn’t been discovered. She couldn’t dispose of the corpse, so she left it there. She abandoned the knife on the spot because it had blood on it. She apparently hadn’t thought about fingerprints.

“School… I have to go…”

After throwing up all night with no appetite whatsoever, if the person suspected of killing Nevada skipped school that very day, it would look suspicious. She had to act like the usual love-fallen angel, being charming and winning Akira-senpai’s affection. That was why she had eliminated Nevada after all.

“…………”

Her mood was the absolute worst. Her mind was so hazy she wondered if she had caught a cold. Her steps were unsteady and her face looked terrible. Only now did Sudou Karma truly understand the crushing weight of killing a human being. Still, that wasn’t necessarily a bad thing. Feeling self-loathing after killing someone meant she still had a relatively normal mind. She left her apartment and headed to school. When she arrived, bright smiles assaulted her.

“Good morning, Sudou-san!”

“Good morning!”

“Morning, Sudou-san!”

Boys and girls greeted her as if the world was full of happiness, completely ignoring how awful she felt after killing someone. If she could, she’d tell them to read the room. But the people around her had no malice — they were simply greeting the love-fallen angel. The most beautiful first-year girl. She hadn’t asked for the title, but someone had started calling her that.

“The cutest first-year is Sudou Karma!”

She thought it was unnecessary meddling. Because of that, people expected things, got jealous, fell for her, hated her, loved her, and resented her. Don’t drag me into all that. That was probably her true feeling.

“Sorry…”

She couldn’t go to class with her current face. Any thought of creating an alibi had already vanished. Sudou Karma headed to the infirmary. When would the police investigation begin? Could she escape it? The anxiety and fear were so intense that she couldn’t possibly attend class normally.

“Time of the month?”

“No… I just feel really sick…”

She felt bad for the female school nurse who asked with concern, but that wasn’t the problem right now.

She had killed someone. The sensation wouldn’t leave her brain. She had stabbed the carotid artery in his neck. The gushing bright red blood. The unique metallic smell. The weight of Nevada as he fell. His eyes that had lost their light. Everything was too real. Terrified by her own actions, Sudou Karma fled the scene, leaving the stabbed corpse behind. By now maggots and flies were probably swarming the body left in that abandoned shrine. Once Nevada was reported missing, the police would investigate and find the body. It was too big to dispose of. You can’t make one entire human being disappear. Even if hidden, if the police got serious they’d find it even deep in the woods. The only thing she could do was play innocent. Whether she could manage even that was questionable. Sudou Karma apparently didn’t know about blood detection methods.

“I feel sick…”

Was it due to her guilty conscience? Or the terror of getting caught by the police and having her life ruined? Either way, Nevada would probably say it was proof of her humanity.

“Want some coffee?”

The nurse asked.

“No thanks. Just water please.”

She didn’t have the stomach for caffeine. Anything stimulating would make her vomit instantly. Even water was risky.

“Akira-senpai… I want to see her…”

She killed Nevada for Akira. To Sudou Karma, Akira was a sacred paradise that no man was allowed to touch. Only she — only Sudou Karma — was allowed to receive Akira’s love. That belief was why she had killed Nevada.

“Your face looks terrible. Want to go home today?”

“No, I’ll feel better after resting a bit.”

If she faced people, they’d suspect something. Even being in the infirmary already felt dangerous, but she definitely couldn’t throw up in class. Considering avoiding the police and her mental state, the infirmary was the compromise.

“I know I’m being selfish…”

Right now she didn’t want to see anything red. Just the thought of blood made her gastric juices rise. Perhaps from now on, the color red would become a curse for Sudou Karma.

“…………”

This made it her second time killing someone. She would never forget the first time. She knew the second time would be unforgettable too. Sudou Karma herself apparently hadn’t realized she was capable of this. She thought she had the resolve to stab someone with a knife, but once she actually did it, all that remained was the stark reality of murder.

“Haa…”

She had already emptied her stomach of gastric juices last night. Even though the nausea remained, there was nothing left to come up. Since she hadn’t drunk any water, only air came back from her stomach. The nurse prepared water for her, but she hesitated to drink even that.

“A… ah… aaah…”

It seemed she did feel regret for killing him. But the truth was, if she hadn’t killed Nevada, there would be no future for Sudou Karma. A future where Akira was stolen from her, or a future where she committed a crime to protect Akira. Either way, she would have been destroyed. Both paths were dead ends. So in the end, no matter which she chose, Sudou Karma would break.

If killing Nevada was the more productive option, then she could somehow accept it. If she could become happy by ending someone’s life, then maybe that was better.

She didn’t have the energy to show her face in class. She no longer had the confidence to play the usual popular love-fallen angel. Just being here and saying she felt sick was already terrifying — it could be used as evidence against the murder suspect.

Not that anyone would worry about her anyway.

“Your complexion is the worst.”

“I told you I don’t feel well.”

She waved her hand at the nurse as if to say don’t make me repeat it. Gradually, her deathly pale face started to recover a little. If she thought positively, there was still a chance she wouldn’t get caught by the police. Then she could confess to Akira, get a yes, and enjoy a yuri-filled youth full of giggles and fluff. She seemed to be clinging to that slim possibility.

“I prepared some water…”

“I’ll drink it later.”

She didn’t even have the energy for her usual light tone. She placed the cup of water on the shelf next to the bed. If she drank it, she’d vomit. That much she was certain of.

“I’ll watch over you, so go ahead and sleep.”

When the female school nurse said that, Sudou Karma finally realized she hadn’t slept at all. Last night she had been stuck to the toilet, just throwing up gastric juices. Only now did she realize that sleep deprivation was also making her feel sick. Sleeping would make things easier. At the very least, it would be better than staying conscious. As long as she didn’t have nightmares.

“Then I’ll sleep. Sorry for the trouble.”

“Suure~. Good night.”

Sudou Karma had committed murder yesterday. The nurse, who knew nothing about it, was genuinely worried about her. That alone was something to be grateful for. As long as the murder didn’t come to light, Sudou Karma could continue living happily. As long as she had that chance, she could still have simple dreams.